Reconciling Kink Expressions Through Fiction – and stuff

Something that occurred to me recently, was the reconciling I have had to do, between the parts of my kink I actively engaged with for the last 15 years (the daddy stuff as I call it) and the parts I avoided (the uniform and discipline stuff). They don’t exist in conflict with each other at all, they’re very much complementary flavors for me, but they are not mutually exclusive. In theory, at least, they could be combined. I say in theory, because so far, the people I’ve engaged in these different types of play with, haven’t had much overlap. I suppose you could argue that there is a certain amount of caregiving in the uniform/discipline stuff I’ve talked about, and you’d be right, but it depends on the person whether that is a daddy vibe or simply…a caring authority figure (guardian? teacher? tutor? disciplinarian? mentor? – for a woman, I’d choose governess, but that’s complicated for me) vibe. Figuring it out is important, though. Exploring it in thought, writing, doing.

You can see some of my active reconciliation in the story I posted a few weeks ago, Bedtime For an Impertinent Girl. This was me working through and bringing together the scenarios I am most familiar with and the ones I am least familiar with. It’s a bit clunky because of that, I know. I mean, it’s not exactly about a bedtime spanking, except that it happens at the end of the day, right before bedtime. The title was actually inspired by another story, one by Mary Catherine. In “Dean’s Impressions, Part 1” the St. Francis Dean, Andy Michaels, comes upon Mary Catherine writing lines in a classroom and that line has stuck with me for more than 20 years since I first read this story. It was, “I will not be impertinent in class.” So now you know where I got the line from. The St Francis uniforms are also black watch plaid (though I didn’t know that for sure when I bought mine!) and these stories were the earliest introduction to school/uniform I had. There were others, of course, but MC and Andy felt like friends when I read them. Relatable, likable, combining the caring of a parental figure or caregiver and the distance of a school disciplinarian…

I had worn my uniform and written lines by the time I wrote that story, but I hadn’t played in person while wearing it, and I was also testing out the ideas of a uniform explicitly for me (the black watch plaid) vs one someone else chose/dictated to me (the more formal British uniforms). The green plaid was very much for me, as was the story, to try and work these ideas out in my head in a way, I think. I had those first thoughts of uniform in my head, that came from fiction I was devouring at the time, and they came together with the reality of being sick and tired for so many weeks, the voices (not literal, but the voice of their style of kink, maybe?) of those I’ve played with, to create…my little story.

Is there room for that daddy role to coexist with what I want from uniform discipline? Probably, but I’m not there yet. Daniel likes my uniforms very much but his thought process is more naughty schoolgirl than a good girl in a strict uniform, to be disciplined, which is fine but is not where my head is at with uniform just now. I call Daniel daddy, though we don’t engage in age-play. I figured out pretty quickly that although I wanted to call him daddy, actual age-play didn’t work for me. I want to be taken care of and that role works nicely with that desire, but it is not tied to feeling or being little, to me in the way we think of when we think of age-play. It took him a while to get comfortable with me calling him daddy, too, but it’s the most natural and comfortable term of endearment/affection I can think of for him. It probably helps that I never called my own father daddy (or dad) so my associations with the role have always been the kink related ones in my head.

I have some other pieces I’ve written, more for myself to be honest, about reconciling these parts of my kink. Something that appears much more frequently in my writing, that feels even more complementary to uniform/discipline, is the physical intensity I often seek. The ideas of thrashing and beating as grounding forces work so well with discipline because it is also a grounding force. I deserve and am worthy of discipline, of how it makes me feel, and I deserve and am worthy of thrashing and beating, because of how those make me feel – and the feeling is very similar. The difference here is that they can exist completely separately but when combined, feel even more powerful. Thrashing/beating don’t require uniform or discipline to have that effect and the physical CP that comes with uniform/discipline doesn’t have to be physically intense (in fact, in my experience, it doesn’t need to be much because the headspace is so powerful). Thrashed in uniform and as discipline, a spanking that isn’t only about hurting me necessarily, but is about being strict and severe even, about making sure it’s difficult to sit down – that maybe I might hesitate to sit down, after – truly, chefs kiss.

So the fantasies in my head often include this much more than combining daddy vibes + uniform/discipline (though, daddy vibes + discipline sans uniform is also a common theme and was the only way discipline manifested for me, for many years) and I can become enraptured by these thoughts, literally unable to get them out of my head. They become all consuming as they join what feels like the most meaningful and deeply vulnerable parts of my kink expression. Perhaps my personal favorite form of my own kink expression, even, if I had to pick one. Now, it’s difficult to remove uniform from my fantasies. Dreams that mimic ones I used to have often morph into something that involves a uniform. Scenarios that have been familiar my whole life, have become more vivid, as maybe something that was on the fringe (uniform, discipline, the idea of specific clothing being a part of discipline) is now more present.

All this to say – I can’t take uniform out of these fantasies at this point. It’s not always there, but often enough that it’s sometimes frustrating for me, given the state of uniform in my real-life right now (that is, fraught and non-existent). I’ve largely stopped dreaming about kink things, when I used to have spanking dreams regularly. I haven’t had a spanking related dream since late January, and it caught me off guard because it had been weeks. However, I wrote that one up and I am going to share it here later this week or early next week, but the process of combing through what I wrote back then and “cleaning it up” for the blog, got me thinking about this. It’s yet another spanking fantasy that is long held, that both uniform creeps into (I think – well, I know, at the end, but I am not sure I’ll include the uniform part right away when I post it) and the idea of discipline or punishment, has always been a part of.

In what ways do the different parts of me come together? What about the people I do them with, or want to do them with? It doesn’t have to be the same person, or one person – Daniel and I have learned, through all of this, that it often cannot be one person. I have worn uniform for him, but it is truly for him because the vibe he enjoys with it, is not one that centers me and my wants/needs. That’s ok! But I still have the need for it in a way that does not work for him, which means one person cannot be all things for another person. It means if I am going to feel fulfilled with my kink expressions – truly feel whole – then there have to be other people involved. How do you find those people, when these things involve so much vulnerability – both physical and emotional? There is insecurity, desire, want, need – and not just my own. Tops/spankers are not a monolith, neither are spankos in general, and although we can connect with umbrella terms like “discipline” and “bratting” and others, there is still a lot of nuance involved. If you find another spanko who is also into discipline, will it be in the same way? Will you find common ground even if the root isn’t the same?

There are so many moving parts that connecting with someone in a way that works, feels like fiction and fantasy, indeed.

So, I explore these by writing – both fiction, and musing about them in notes and chats with friends, writing like this, etc. Usually late at night. I’m writing this at 1 AM and it’s far longer than I expected when the idea popped into my head, so I am going to schedule it to post and go to bed, because my 5.5 year old just crawled in next to me and shoved her elbow in my gut.

-M