Fiction: Lending a Hand to Disobedience (Part 1)

A long held fantasy, as a dream…

Orgasm control or having to ask permission to touch myself, and being “punished” with spanking, is a deep and long held fantasy of mine. It’s also the first non-spanko thing my husband and I connected on. We’ve had an “orange socks” rule about asking permission, just about since we met. That means, I have to ask him permission to touch myself or orgasm, but it’s not a “real” rule in that there are real-world implications for breaking it. But “breaking” it is between us, a way to set a tone and headspace for some discipline oriented play, for me to express submission and service. More intense orgasm control is definitely in my head, as well, and often comes back to my desire to please, serve, submit.

I rarely dream about these things – usually only spanking, but like I said in my last post, I have been reconciling different aspects of my kink and how they mesh (or don’t) together. The male tops/spankers in my dreams are usually, historically, unidentifiable. Not that they are anonymous or masked, but I don’t see their face in the dream, my “view” or perspective is from the side or behind, watching, so I can see myself but never the top. They’re more of an idea or concept, embodying the feeling of the scenario and blending the voices of those I have played with or talked about playing with.

I haven’t been having many spanking dreams lately, and even before, most of them were the same classic hard OTK spanking they always are, with some slight variations. I started 2025 off with a bang though, with this one. Apparently my NYE champagne was inspiring and I woke up on the first of the year having to contend with this.

This dream melds together some vague real-life scenarios (like being sent to bed & the idea of being caught touching myself which has happened…uh, a few times in RL with Daniel!) and fantasized about ones, such as a bedtime spanking that instead of being cozy, is hard because I was cheeky and earned it, thigh smacking on its own, uniform being a part of discipline, etc. It’s not about a specific person or real-life event, but it’s one of those that could happen, that I’d even like to happen, someday, even. The writing is more colloquial but I wanted it to feel more like how I did when I wrote it, like I was sharing it with a friend. But this is me, again, reconciling these different aspects of my kink with each other – how can they fit together? Will the fitting together work for me? What parts?

I hope you enjoy this sharing of my dream, as much as I enjoyed the dream itself. I woke up a bit confused, but content. Dreams have a surrealist feel to them, so I’ve embellished in parts, of course.

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Reconciling Kink Expressions Through Fiction – and stuff

Something that occurred to me recently, was the reconciling I have had to do, between the parts of my kink I actively engaged with for the last 15 years (the daddy stuff as I call it) and the parts I avoided (the uniform and discipline stuff). They don’t exist in conflict with each other at all, they’re very much complementary flavors for me, but they are not mutually exclusive. In theory, at least, they could be combined. I say in theory, because so far, the people I’ve engaged in these different types of play with, haven’t had much overlap. I suppose you could argue that there is a certain amount of caregiving in the uniform/discipline stuff I’ve talked about, and you’d be right, but it depends on the person whether that is a daddy vibe or simply…a caring authority figure (guardian? teacher? tutor? disciplinarian? mentor? – for a woman, I’d choose governess, but that’s complicated for me) vibe. Figuring it out is important, though. Exploring it in thought, writing, doing.

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Hurt Me (Part 1 – a Poem)

[I was able to switch out the image of the poem for the text, by using the code editor!]

I titled this “Part 1” because I expect I will write sometime in the future more on the topic of wanting someone to hurt me. In the context of this blog – a spanking fetish, some not-at-all subtle masochism, deep emotional connection – I hope you all can understand the basis for what I mean when someone like me might say to someone else, “I want you to hurt me.” This is a phrase I’ve said very sparingly and to few people, but I meant it each time. The idea of taking what someone wants to give me (within a consensual relationship and negotiated terms) is so unbelievably hot. It gets to the core of wanting to be seen, not in control – specifically giving up control to someone else. It doesn’t exist in conflict with discipline for me – sometimes it can even be part of it. Submitting even when it’s not something I want, but something that is good for me, and being worthy of it, getting to enjoy it, like it, want it – feels like discipline for me.

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