I meant to finish and post this ages ago – WordPress tells me I started it on Nov 24 which is over a month ago. With the end of the year looming, I didn’t want to let this train of thought get lost, and although I have a lot I want to say and haven’t been saying it for complicated personal reasons, I want this space to thrive and I miss being here. I am looking forward to all 2025 has to offer and am sincere when I say I want writing more here to be a significant part of that. Now, onto what I started saying forever ago.
This post was inspired by Hermione’s Brunch post from a few weeks ago, where she asked her readers about what they do after a spanking. I found this an interesting post, and it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot in the last year. The responses she got surprised me in that they were rather practical – not so much about aftercare explicitly. Since aftercare can be an important part of a scene for me I thought I’d share my thoughts. Not everyone sees it the same, of course, but I think most spankos can agree something is necessary in the after scene space. Aftercare isn’t just for the bottom though – it’s also for the top – something I’m a bit ashamed to admit I hadn’t considered until more recently. I’ll go through my own experiences and preferences and then expand on that a bit more.
Since I live with my primary play partner, my husband, and we are physically around each other a lot, there actually isn’t usually any aftercare between us – a good solid hug, perhaps. If a spanking is harder or on the rare occasions it’s disciplinary or punishment, there’s usually a bit more – holding, hugs, lotion, comforting; there may be emotional drop accompanying physical drop – a need to process a bit more in my head, some good snacks, and alone time. There are the spankings that lead to more physically intimate moments – that’s aftercare in and of itself! Then there are the types of spankings that are true play or more about physical intensity – I tend to drop physically from these, but it’s not quite so intense. Nothing a good nights sleep doesn’t deal with. Since we are primarily playing with physical vulnerability vs. headspace at home, this is usually enough. If I play physically intense with a close friend who isn’t my husband, I will usually seek out a cuddle from them. In an instance earlier this year, after a rather intense spanking, I knelt in front of another friend and cried as he held me. I missed him, having not played in literal years, and was desperate to reconnect with him that way and the release just happened to come after the spanking. We went out for lunch after and that was the aftercare balm I needed!
The people I do more emotionally vulnerable scenes with, it’s a lot different. I write about what drop is here, so I wouldn’t have to go much into it in this blog, but I’ll briefly recap: our bodies release a lot of intense “happy” and “feel good” hormones when we engage in kink (adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, etc). These can truly make you feel high. Relaxed, foggy, out of it – generally happy, but in a state that’s inherently vulnerable. Tops can have similar feelings from the same hormones, but obviously for different reasons. It is absolutely critical that post-scene needs be discussed as a part of any negotiation. When trying new things, it can be important to acknowledge that you may not know what you need and to ensure your partner is open to anything that might come up or to at least figuring it out.
I’ve been around a minute, so for the most part, I know what kind of aftercare works for me. The physiologic and physical hormone drop is the most immediate and obvious thing that’s going to happen after a more intense scene. This is a literal dispersing or dropping off of that influx of hormones. An inevitable crash. You might feel tired, emotional, or even nauseated.
To cope with physical drop, good aftercare can be food, physical touch, and rest. Exercise can help certain people. I want to be close to my spanker both during and after a scene. I want to be held in the quiet of that space, on or in or very near, their lap – sometimes even over it still. I want our bodies to touch, to feel the solid assurance of them with the soft and exposed feel of mine. Like when I knelt in front of my friend. I could have pulled my jeans back up, sat next to him, lots of things. But I wanted to be as close to him as I could get and in that moment, it was kneeling between his knees while he sat on the low guest bed. Then staying somewhat physically close by driving somewhere for lunch and sharing a meal together.
I usually want to be touched, patted and petted and have my hair and face touched. If angles work, I want my bottom rubbed (if appropriate). Ideally, this isn’t rushed. For me, this can be anywhere from a solid hug to a few minutes (5-15) or up to an hour. Once, when there was intense (good!) headspace involved, I fell asleep during the post-walloping cuddle – luckily, there was no rush so I got to enjoy that nap (also, pretty sure he fell asleep, too!). At some point, there should be lotion – maybe not right away, but the same day, even if it’s a few hours later or at bedtime – even if I have to do it myself. I’ll need water and likely something with a bit of sugar like a cold soda or juice. A banana is sometimes all my stomach can handle but I am often ravenous after physically intense play, so am likely to be eager to share a meal if timing allows. I am not usually drawn to exercise specifically, but going for a walk with my play partner is not unheard of. Moving your body gently can help get the adrenaline through it without upsetting your stomach. Exercise also releases similar endorphins so can help from that perspective as well.
I don’t see a lot of people talking about the emotional aspects of drop but it’s pretty significant for me if I do play that involves any sort of deeper emotional vulnerability or headspace. Now, this isn’t a common thing for me right now and I’ve only done it a handful of times, but the first time it happened, it was a doozy (in the best way). Emotional drop can feel very raw and exposing, with an intense need for processing, debriefing, etc., for me. I wanted to talk about what we’d done, the emotions we had accessed, what I was thinking, feeling, etc. It felt necessary, in fact. Having the time and space to do that, was important, and it’s something I would need to negotiate if I ever did more intense play with someone new. I didn’t realize at the time, exactly what I’d need, so knowing the top was available for the after, was helpful. That first time was on FaceTime, also, so I knew pretty shortly after that I needed more than the 10-15 min of post-scene chatting time than we had. Our second attempt was much smoother in that regard.
In person? A lot of physical affection and holding. If I am feeling emotionally exposed, my instinct will be to cocoon. I want to be held through that, reassured. I need a clear end to the scene space, but a more gentle reintroduction to reality. Paul does this usually by finishing with corner time and verbally saying something like, “Then we’ll be done.” – I find a verbal cue helpful, and they’ve been used by other tops in the past. “We’re finished.” “That’s it.” “You’re done.” have all worked previously. I likely won’t be ready to talk or discuss or process immediately, but the physical affection is important reassurance as well. I often process by writing and although I generally am an external processor, I tend to prefer text more for post-scene processing, than verbal processing. I am not sure if this is simply habit, or insecurity – it’s a bit vulnerable to actually talk about these things versus putting a phone or keyboard between me and the person who hurt me (in the best possible way, of course) and then put me back together.
All of these, more importantly, enhance connection, and are just as much about my spankers needs as they are my own. A scene that is physically or emotionally intense involves both partners accessing vulnerable parts of themselves. I said earlier that aftercare isn’t only for the bottom, but the top, too! This hasn’t always been my experience, that a top sees aftercare as for them – or that they’ve told me about it benefitting them or being affirming for them. Usually it’s people I am much closer to, who know me well, who I consider friends outside of spanking play. We are often playing more intensely and those emotions aren’t just mine. They benefit from the cuddles and hugs and physical affection (connection!) just as much. I think it’s important feedback that I’m ok, things went well, and also helps them regulate the same endorphins and adrenaline that are running through my own body – just for a different reason. Most of the people I play with are much gentler in everyday life than they can be during play, so this feels like an important step.
I never considered much that the aftercare wasn’t just for me but it makes a lot of sense. Even something like lotion which is ostensibly for my sore bottom, can be about a tops desire to touch, soothe, comfort, or just enjoy the bottom (both the literal bottom, and the person they’ve played with) they’re with.
At a party or another context where it makes sense, gentler play later can also act as aftercare. For me, this has been bedtime spankings, a connecting hand spanking a few hours later, or even a repeat in some of the intensity from the day before. Of course, you’d need to be in close proximity to your partner for this, is it won’t always work, but it’s worth considering if physical affection and reassurance work for you.
Headspace doesn’t only belong to the bottom/submissive/recipient partner here and the needs of the top/dominant/giving partner should be considered just as much in negotiations and I think it’s something that’s at the very least, not talked much about, or often considered. So, after a simpler spanking at home, a near immediate return to the normalcy of the day can make a lot of sense – with a partner that’s not my husband, well, it can depend and often requires a bit more, and that’s a happy thing.
-M
