Drifting

I am struck today by how much I feel as though I am drifting. This sense of floundering, unable to get a grasp on anything. Desperate for connection, desperate for something that I can’t quite articulate. I have been working on a post about my “toy bag” so to speak, but that’s difficult when, again, spanking and kink feel so far away. I don’t want to look at these things I love and cherish, touch them, take photos of them, write about them. We don’t have many and each feels special because of that, and engaging with them stings a bit right now. It also makes me think of the other ones. A ruler I bought in the Munich airport last January. A tawse (er, or two) I recently won on eBay.

Connection still feels elusive, life makes the already flickering lights of kink energy feel as though they’re going to disappear at any moment.

I want to want to lay on the couch, cozy, with a blanket and my favorite pillow, and close my eyes, and get lost in the daydreaming and fantasizing and yearning that brings me comfort. I want to revisit those typical thoughts, the ones that have been with me my whole life, the ones that feel like a beloved and worn teddy bear and the soothing it brings, knowing they’ll always be there.

I want to escape inside my head, into the thoughts of the what if‘s and when we can’s of potential play in the future; imagining what someone might say to me, what they might do to me, how they’ll hold their body during it, what facial expressions they’ll make, what their eyes will look like when they look at me – through me, into me. How I’ll feel, with all of that. How they’ll want me to feel and how they’ll make it happen. It’s really that feeling that I want to conjure up with all of that imagining, and grab as tightly as I can, and never let it go – because it feels so far away right now, like it’ll never come back (though it always does).

That feeling of being seen so purely in a need, a little nod, a small, “I know.”

I can’t, though. Not right now. I’m hopeful for the future but it’s all just out of reach right now. We’ll see if I can revisit the implements this week, though.

-M