In My Head

I promise, I haven’t abandoned this, even though I am not sure there’s anyone really here reading (jk, I know there are folks reading!). I am trying to remind myself that not every post has to be a perfect treatise on a given topic. It’s not like I am not thinking about spanking – I am, constantly, it feels like. Frankly, I feel 15 again with how at the forefront of my mind spanking is. But also, I missed this part of myself for so many years and I am glad it’s back. It doesn’t feel all-consuming, just…there. There in a way it hadn’t been for a while. There in a way that I feel like a more complete version of myself. I’m not thinking about it because I miss it and everything it brought to my life but rather because it feels like an integrated part of my being again. I know who this Marie is.

And this Marie is thinking a lot about what has become one of my favorite types of spankings over the years. When I began playing at 18 (well, we’ll go with that publicly) it was a lot of hand spanking and trying any/every thing. I was pretty open to experimentation, but I did always love hand spanking. Those early years when I was living in NYC and attending Paddles OTK nights (and MSA and SSNY parties) regularly, I was playing primarily with one person (whom I am lucky enough to still call a friend) and leather became the name of the game. The thing about leather, for me, is that I can generally take a lot of it. It was also the first way I was able to access submission.

I used to say I wasn’t submissive at all – and most people who meet me in my day-to-day vanilla life would probably say that’s true. But my bottoming is actually tied to a very strong desire to be submissive, to submit to a spanking, or to discipline. I very much want to please by being good and obedient. Like I’ve said before, that doesn’t have to be easy – in fact, it’s quite impactful (and frankly, hot) if it’s not so easy. Submitting anyway and being expected to obey in those moments hits right at the core of my kink. With this person, I really discovered the joy in truly submitting both to a spanking, and a bit to pain. This is when I realized I was a bit of a masochist. I say a bit because it really only exists in a CP context – it’s not only with spanking, but it’s all CP related. I do not enjoy other kinds of pain at all. However, submitting to the pain of a spanking or discomfort associated with other CP, is the real high.

Much like ebony hairbrushes, leather belts dominated a lot of my childhood fantasies as very paternal and maybe a bit serious. A bit more distanced than a hairbrush because they can’t be used over-the-knee or lap, but still very personal and intimate feeling because, well, it’s a belt. This naturally evolved to a leather strap and I bought a beautiful London Tanners Domestic Discipline Strop which I think is probably one of those staples every person who likes leather should have. Mine is an Ian original and was purchased between 2007 and 2009 at either Shadow Lane or Boardwalk Badness, so I’ve had it for most of my time in the scene, but I’ve felt plenty of leather straps – including more recently, a tawse (or two).

A long strapping with a committed build up, is a sort of comfort spanking for me. I definitely enjoy (“enjoy”) the hard + fast variety as well, but if I’m going to melt into it, truly fly, it’s going to be leather and likely start over clothes (jeans are a particular favorite and leather straps are well suited to that), and be steady and long. Not hours, but a time commitment to the experience, not just a set number and then done. I can only describe a strapping like this, progressing from jeans, to panties, to the bare, as delicious. It’s not always easy to take – leather is heavy and the thud of it is deep. I love this feeling but it’s still an intense physical sensation.

It’s a physical sensation that sends me into my head. I feel that thud throughout my body, and somehow I just melt into it. I know some people get this with wood or stingy sensations instead, but for me, it’s leather. I like not liking a spanking quite a bit – but there’s something about taking a spanking like this that is also meant for me to enjoy. The enjoyment doesn’t just come from it feeling good (though it does – just not how you might think) but from taking it from someone who wants to give it. From the submission.

From that endorphin high that I can only describe as flying. I talk a lot about hairbrushes and discipline and CP in general, and I can’t say there aren’t discipline vibes to a strapping like this – discipline can just as much be about structure and ritual and submission in this case, but it’s more about wanting it. Wanting to take it. Chasing the pleasure of submitting to it and how it feels after to have taken something hard and thorough.

There’s a deep satisfaction in that!

Anyway, that’s what’s in my head a lot lately.

-M