What makes a spanko a spanko? What’s my fetish? Am I a masochist?

Note: remember, this is about me and applies to me and if something different applies to you, that’s ok!

Labels are a finicky thing, in my opinion. I don’t always love applying them to myself or my friendships/relationships, but their function in social proprioception and how we relate to the world cannot be denied. They can also be incredibly validating and affirming, which are good and positive things. That said, most labels come with caveats, which is fine – people are much more complex than single words. I think the only single word that describes me and doesn’t either leave anything out or assume anything, is spanko. I always thought that was a fairly straight forward descriptor for myself. It’s a shortened term for “spankophile” but which has been adopted by the spanking community as how we identify vs its designation as a paraphilia term. If you come into a room of fellow spanko’s and identify yourself as such, people know what you mean. Language has meaning and power and people understand this.

For me – and to many – a spanko is someone who has a spanking fetish, regardless of how it is expressed. That said, having a spanking fetish is more than simply being “into” spanking or enjoying it during sex, for example. For myself and most of the spanko’s I know, our fetish is obligatory or necessary for our sexuality. Even though we enjoy (and often prefer) non-sexual expressions of our fetish, without it, there is no sexual aspect. Now, I know this isn’t true for all which is why the “regardless of how it is expressed” is important here. I don’t think you can divorce a fetish from sexuality but given the existence of asexual and sex-averse folks, I think that requires a tolerant and accepting view of what sexuality is and what it means.

I have a lot of non-normative things I enjoy alongside spanking and I often refer to these as “kinks” and prefer that terminology, but some people use the differentiator of an “optional fetish” to contrast with spanking, which is obligatory. For me, there is only one obligatory fetish (spanking) so everything else is optional and thus, a kink. They pair well with spanking and I see them as spanking adjacent, but they’re not necessary. I do know a single person with what she would classify as two legitimately “primary” fetishes – tickling and spanking – and she talks about it over on her blog at Emma’s Story Corner and has even talked about it on a Sips and Smacks Podcast Episode “A Tale of Two Fetishes.” I am not here to make firm declarations about all or every spanko, but myself and many of those I have chatted with about the topic.

I think being a spanko is about more than sharing the fetish though – like I wrote about in my “The Spanko Experience” blog, we tend to have a shared history independent of each other. We share a vocabulary, jargon, a social community and understanding. Plenty of people don’t participate in the social community and they are no less spankos, but they tend to have the shared experiences that those who do participate, have. The reason I think it’s important to note that every expression of a spanking fetish is valid, is because there is a tendency in the spanking community to balk at the sexual expressions.

It is common to sub-categorize your spanking fetish as a discipline fetish (like me – though I sometimes wonder if I don’t have a discipline fetish which is spanking focused? probably the topic for another blog!) but it isn’t the only way this works for people. For example, I don’t like or enjoy role-play or bratting/funishment, but those are just as valid expressions for folks. My own fetish is more on the discipline/maintenance/stress relief spectrum, and I identify as a masochist. That last one I have found the most difficult to handle in the spanking community. I think if you’re a masochist and any pain will do (nipple torture does it for you equally as much as spanking or something else) then you’re not a spanko, but my masochism starts and ends with spanking. This is tricky because there is often the guise of “not liking” spanking in the scene and I just…can’t relate to that! Also, I am not a spanko who claims spanking is completely non-sexual. It can be, but in the same way a hug or kiss can be, while at other times they can be the hottest thing you do.

So I think it’s important that every expression be celebrated. Also, there are so many different expressions and some people think when they get into the scene, everyone will think one way or another or that just because two people are spankos, they’ll automatically jive – and as you all know, that’s not true and it’s not true even for my husband and I. Although he enjoys more casual play, maintenance spankings, and such, he prefers when our spankings do turn sexual, and there are many spankos for whom spanking is almost always sexual.

There are also more D/s expressions as well – many spanko’s also identify as submissive and enjoy power exchange, like nora at Finding Strength in my Submission. She writes about a ton of D/s oriented topics as well as spanking and DD, and expressions of all of those, and identifies as a spanko. I highly recommend a read if you’re interested in both DD and D/s aspects of someone who identifies as a spanko.

When I was going to BDSM parties in NYC, I’d often get comments about how I was “only” or “just” into spanking and people saying that was a “gateway” kink. They’d change their tune when I started getting spanked and were often shocked by how much and how long of a spanking I could take and enjoy. That’s because our fetish is usually it and it’s not a gateway and it’s not a side dish or tossed in to spice things up. For many of us, it is our sexuality, it’s our orientation. There are so many facets to being a spanko, but the most basic root is that we all share an obligatory spanking fetish. If you’re broadly into BDSM or you can take/leave spanking, then you’re probably not a spanko – but that’s ok, I don’t think non-spanko’s should be tarred and feathered or anything (and I’m happy for you to be here even if you’re not a spanko!), I just think words have power and social communities are created and thrive on shared lived experiences and in order to get there, you have to have some basic agreement about who and what the community is for.

So, I’m a spanko and I think that’s one of the loveliest things about me, but I am multifaceted.

-M