It’s been a long time since I was a “newbie” in the spanking community. Honestly, because of how I entered, I’m not sure I’d ever have classified myself as such, but everyone must start somewhere! I got online and started looking up spanking things, poking around online communities, engaging in forums, etc when I was…12. I got spanked for the first time by another spanko, when I was 16 – he was close in age to me, we met online, and he was able to travel for a few weeks in the US. My mom loved him. I started actively engaging with the goal of community building around the age of 17 (a few months before my birthday), and made a rather aggressive and bold leap when I finally turned 18. By then, I had friends, accounts, etc. No one who knew my age allowed me to engage until I was 18 of course, but after my birthday I had a lot of support. I didn’t so much lie as omit the information. I was in college, so I often didn’t even need to clarify whether or not I was 18. Not many people come out immediately when they’re 18/19, but it does happen. Those folks tend to have a slightly easier time IMO because of the beautiful arrogance of youth. It’s much harder to be confident or at least cocky, when you have some adult life experience under your belt.
I’ve clearly never had the experience of coming into the spanking community later in adulthood, but others have written about it from multiple perspectives and I’ve spent a lot of time talking to people and actively engaged with this community, so I don’t think my own perspective is completely null-and-void. I do think: the younger you are, the more careful you have to be, and the older you are, the more open you have to be. I’ve noticed these extremes quite a lot. The very young (like I was) tend towards over-eagerness and excitement, perhaps recklessness, and older people come with the wisdom of age and can be a bit reserved and cautious. Neither of these is bad, but finding the balance is key. You don’t want to do anything dangerous but you also need to open yourself up a little if you’re going to meet your goals (whatever they may be – meeting people, playing, community building, etc).
I do have the unique experience of having sort of dropped out of active engagement in the scene (due to my pregnancy + COVID) and come back to a very changed landscape, so I’ll touch on that a bit, too. The person who asked me this question expressed some particular insecurity about their physical appearance (for the record, I have no idea what this person looks like, and it doesn’t matter!) as well, and that’s something I can relate to. I touched (very briefly) on living in a bigger body and how that impacts some of my approach to spanking play in my post about fantasy + reality but I didn’t do a deep dive. I will say this unequivocally though: I have never met a single spanko who was kind, polite, and sincere, who had trouble finding someone to spank them. Those who feel isolated or unable to connect with people often worry it’s because of their looks and I assure you: it is not. It is because of their personalities. I have played with several of the same people over the last 18 years and I literally weigh more than 100lbs more now, than I did at 18. It is not usually your body that is keeping you from connecting with people. The exception to this, is, of course hygiene. Those who appear unhygienic, no matter their size, will struggle. Body oder, being unkempt, uncleanliness, that all drives people away – much like it does in wider society.
That said, you could be kind, polite, and sincere and still struggling to connect and that also has little to do with either your body or your personality but rather, your approach. Some of that could be personality (or neurodivergence!) but is usually correctable. The social structure of the scene isn’t so different from vanilla social structures. I maintain that the spanking community is a microcosm of wider society, not an exception, so we have the same diversity of personalities and lived experiences as our society as a whole (and in other ways, it’s not very diverse, but that’s the topic of another post all together). Learning the social etiquette of a group always involves a bit of a learning curve, and more so if you’re perhaps older and haven’t joined a new social group before, or if you’re much younger than the average, or if you’re simply very new. Starting with munches and other more vanilla-like scene social activities is a great way to get to know people in a more neutral environment, without the weight of potential play hanging in the air.
Be prepared to talk about your hobbies outside of spanking, if you’re comfortable doing so. Think of ways you can discuss them that make you comfortable in terms of privacy concerns, so people can get to know you. Yes, expect to talk about spanking, but most of the time, if someone is considering playing with someone else, they want to be considered a whole person and not just a hand or bottom for smacking. To know if you’ll click to play, you have to know if your personalities click in general – that takes talking, at least one or two conversations even for casual play, and anything more will take more investment. If there exists a Discord server or telegram chat for your local community, join it! Attend workshops, smaller one-night events, and participate. Volunteer, take a few risks in putting yourself out there. For someone younger who may not struggle with these aspects, I’d caution them to spend a lot of time observing before jumping in, and talking to other people – especially female bottoms – both for safety and the advice that comes from the experiences others have had.
If meeting someone for play outside of a party situation, always have a safe call – no matter your gender, or age. Make sure someone you trust knows where you’re going to be and the time frame, and at what point they should check in/panic. Negotiate a safeword, never play without one. Make sure you feel comfortable saying it and saying no to anything you aren’t comfortable with. Be especially cautious of this if you’re naturally a people pleaser. If you have trauma in your personal history, stick to parties and more public spaces early on to get a feel for your own comfort and reactions to play, as well as learning to navigate all of it. Don’t jump into dynamics easily or casually. Don’t consent to things that make you uncomfortable.
If you still feel you’re not meeting your goals – be they play partners (casual or dynamics), community building, etc. ask a trusted friend for advice. Someone who you’ve gotten to know and who has gotten to know you, or someone you generally respect. Someone who will be honest with you. Maybe you’re behaving in a way you’re not aware of and it’s effecting people’s perception of you.
All of this can be scary and overwhelming but it’s also a great deal of fun – so try and have lots of it. I hope this helps someone, if not many. This is all advice I’d give to someone who asked me, and heard a lot myself. It seems very simple, but I know it can be overwhelming when in the context of something so intimate and special to many of us. And if you see me at a party, please introduce yourself. I don’t play casually often these days, but I am always up to chat!
-M
Great advice here, Marie – thank you for sharing this! 🙂
As you know, it’s been a long time since I was a newbie too! But I love the wisdom you’ve shared here – and I agree with it. I had to smile a little bit though when you talked about the difference between older newbies and younger ones. Having been an older newbie myself, I know how caught up I was in the thrill of it all, and the joy of what they called “sub-frenzy.” If I’d been young, I imagine I might have imploded. But all of those years of longing for something like D/s and then seeing it within my reach – oof! I guess I was in a wave of older people who grew up without the internet and access to information aout kink. In that regard, it would have been nice to grow up now instead! 💜
I appreciate the advice.
You’ve always been so kind with your time and your advice. It’s been very much appreciated and helpful to this OLD “newbie” to in-person things.