R/L: Playing With Others, New Friends, and Beating

I’ve written before about how my husband is supportive of me playing with other people, because there are just ways in which he doesn’t want to play or his kink doesn’t manifest. So how does that work? It used to primarily be casually at parties which is basically semi-public play. After we met, I only played with one other person privately until fairly recently – mostly because of circumstances (privacy, timing, pregnancy, COVID, etc). It was also important that we have a strong foundation and he wasn’t as comfortable, early on. Playing with friends I’ve known for years, that he also knows, is much simpler. It feels like an extension of that friendship. But how about new-new people?

This past fall, I connected with someone locally who I had seen around on Fetlife for years, who I thought I might jive with – his name is Pat (and I share that with his permission – anytime I write about someone by name, I’ve had their explicit permission). We chatted a lot, I told my husband about him, and he and I set up a coffee date. That went well and we both wanted to play. Because I would be inviting this person into our home, Daniel wanted to meet him – completely fair! I have to admit, I was a little annoyed at first – not because I didn’t want them to meet, but because it required me facilitating it. My husband doesn’t really socialize in the scene online or attend many events, so he won’t meet people as organically as I do – this is unlikely to change, so this is the compromise/agreement.

I recently heard the term consensual non-monogamy (vs the more common ethical non-monogamy) in a Sips & Smacks podcast episode. Adalia mentioned her therapist using it and pointing out that what is consensual between two people, is necessarily ethical for them and that can vary between people. I really liked that! What it came down to was me telling Daniel things that felt tied to kink and that I’d like to be able to incorporate with other play partners and having a conversation about his own feelings about those things. Not all of those things apply to all potential play partners, of course, but a blanket conversation before playing felt right. I also like the term “kink poly” which I’ve used in the past and feels intuitive and highlights that the foundation of these other connections is about shared kink & friendship, first. Sometimes that’s deeper friendship and sometimes it’s more casual fun play, but it all starts by sharing this thing we do.

So, my husband knows everything about my play with other people. Perhaps not every detail of every scene, just because that would be impossible, but he enjoys the thought of me connecting with and playing with other people, knowing they can meet needs that he cannot, and enjoys hearing about it, seeing photos, and even the after effects. That’s not to say it hasn’t been without any tension, but we’ve talked and tried to stay open. This type of joy in someone else’s happiness is called comperison. You can feel compersion outside of poly relationships, too – it applies to all happiness in someone else’s happiness. Many people struggle with this though, even people who want to feel it. This is why communication is important for me, it’s important I share with my husband as much as he wants to hear and why it’s important we both be open about any insecurities instead of pretending they don’t exist and hoping they go away. We’ve dealt with feelings of resentment, like any couple does, when letting insecurities fester unspoken.

So, in November, when I wanted to play with Pat, I set up a time for that and we all met at a local coffee shop beforehand. This gave the two of them a chance to have a conversation and chat a bit, just so he knew who I’d be going home with – and after all, I was about to be at least partially undressed with this person! It seemed proper for my husband to meet him first 😛 Because of all of this, I was able to just enjoy the play. That’s the goal after all, to meet mutual needs for this thing we do and have fun! I wasn’t seeking out discipline or punishment when chatting with Pat about play, but rather more pure…play. Stress relief, even. Of course, we’d never played before so it was also a bit of a get-to-know-you experience.

I like to play hard (and enjoy using beating and thrashing to describe this sometimes) and I don’t mind marks – both playing that hard and leaving marks himself is something my husband doesn’t always love but he’s told me he enjoys seeing marks other people have left. How hot is that? I got to play in a way I hadn’t in years – working through a well-loved and thoughtfully-collected toy bag with someone who was thoroughly enjoying whacking not just my bottom by my thighs as well. I’d had my thighs smacked before of course, but never so thoroughly seen to until that point. I can’t say I didn’t love it – and I liked that the redness and marks lasted for nearly two weeks, and the soreness days.

We went through all of these implements – the more OTK friendly ones over jeans, panties, then bare; then I went over the end of the bed for others (bare). Then on the bed for more. I enjoyed most of them (the red X is a strap with holes – a limit for me, the holes) but particularly loved the 6-tongued reddish-brown tawse and the weighted strap, with coins special to its owner. I’d happily burn the wooden implements but I must admit, the franticness and urge to reach back that they create is a feeling I like. He did restrain me when I reached back, holding my arm just above my wrist. Squirmy and delicious, that feeling.

For this spanko? Great fun! I had fun and got the lovely stress relief that only spanking can give, Pat said he had fun, and Daniel got to enjoy seeing the marks, hearing about it, and knowing I was happy. Win-win-win? I think so.

This kind of spanking lingers in so many ways and is grounding and connecting – as much to myself as the other person.

-M