photo above is from @case.kenny on Instagram
What do you do when your kink goes from feeling like the fundamental piece of the puzzle to your sense of self, the piece that pulls everything together and makes you feel whole, to feeling like you can’t grasp it no matter how hard you try? The puzzle piece isn’t lost forever, of course – it’s too fundamental – but you can’t see it through the mess. The hardest part is it feels as much of a need as ever, but it’s not there. It feels broken. I feel broken.
The way it happened has left me shaken, unsettled, with my confidence nearly gone and my sense of trust shattered. How do you repair a part of you that feels necessary for being you, but which you can’t even see?
I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks reliving my childhood abuse – not just childhood I suppose – a lot of my mothers verbal and emotional abuse (manipulation, love bombing, lying, false sense of security, etc) which was replicated recently, lasted well into young adulthood for me, despite the boundaries I began to set. The whiplash I feel from having trusted a long time friend (that I confided in about that abuse), being hurt by them in a cutting way, accepting their apology in a leap of faith, only to be hurt by them again and also being used to hurt someone else, has been jarring. The realization that the apology I overcame a lot of insecurity and fear to accept was fake, has unnerved me. How do I trust myself?
I didn’t expect the depth of childhood trauma that would or could be triggered by something like this, either. I’ve spent a lot of my life protecting myself from people who behave like, or remind me of, my mother and I feel like I failed this time. Unfortunately, the masking of severe mental illness can be hard to see around which is why it took me until adulthood to see it in my mother, too.
I’m writing a lot (by hand mostly!), doing extra therapy sessions, leaning on my husband and a few close friends, trying to stay hopeful about the future, and yes – reaching deep inside myself to those core kink needs – back to basics – to attempt to ground myself. I’ve always turned to this special part of me in the past and that it disappeared in this moment of turmoil has saddened me and been difficult.
Do I rip off the bandaid and go towards the need in the simplest way possible (when all I can think about is how much I don’t want it, can’t think about it, but truly need it) or do I continue to curl inwards, turning myself inside out in the hopes that the puzzle piece will come rattling out and return with a vengeance on its own, with no work from me?
It feels a bit clearer in the last few days, but I still don’t know if being spanked will break me or not. Or rather, how will it break me? Will I finally be able to put all the pieces back together and feel whole, or is it possible they’ll shatter further?
I’m hopeful for the former – I wouldn’t be very me if I devolved into despair, even if patience is my absolute poorest life skill. Holding onto the idea that things will be different soon and the current circumstances are temporary is always what’s gotten me through. That and spanking.
Things will change – at least that is consistent.
-M
Allow yourself some grace. Some time and space to find that inner part of you again. Sounds like you were deceived by someone who lacks conscience, justifies hurting others as salve to their own insecurities. Being fooled, isn’t the same as being a fool… the trust lost should only be in them, not in yourself. Once the hurt is less acute, less present in your thoughts, you’ll likely reconnect with what might for now, seem muted or lost. That need, desire you speak of won’t go quietly into that ‘good night’. It’ll find you, or you it, again.
Thank you <3 yes, time, it usually does help these things. I do feel like I’ve been a fool, though. I can’t help it. Hopefully sifting through the puzzle pieces will help that, too.
Being new to your blog and your situation, I will only say it is important to stay true to yourself and be authentic. I spent the last year and some time before that trying to be someone I am not. I wasn’t happy. Now that I can be who I am, it feels much better.
That doesn’t address the hurt or the trauma. It will take time. It sucks but it will take time. Good luck with it.
Of all the things, this is something I strive for – staying true to myself and the person I want to be. For me, it’s often fighting toxic instincts (or rather, learned habits?) rooted in that trauma, to be the kind of person I genuinely want to be. Spiraling into the hurt of it all wouldn’t be very me – wallowing for a bit was satisfying, necessary even, the urge to lash out is something I struggle with nearly daily. It’s something I’ve written about elsewhere and before – the urge to want other people to hurt as much as you are hurting, especially someone you’ve decided is to blame for your hurt. It never actually makes you feel better though – it just makes me feel worse and reminds me of the damage done by my mother. A bit of self isolation was necessary to fight that urge, but it was worth it, and will have been. I am sure of it.
Anyway, welcome – I hope you stay a bit!
I plan to stick around. You’ve been so kind.