[I started this several months ago and am finishing it off now and posting it. I also want to say, I talk a lot about the do-ability of a spanking over a lap on a chair in this post, and I got to do a fair amount of this recently, and have to say…it actually worked quite well. Physically demanding, yes, but it worked better than I expected!]
For many of us, (us being spankos) we have a core fantasy that has been present in our minds since childhood. Sometimes it’s a recurring scenario or a specific tone, headspace, or implement. I’ve already written about my primary core fantasy, as a fiction, and a bit in general. Early on it was a very parental, disciplinary style spanking with a hand and hairbrush, though I’ve always struggled to identify the reason for the spanking. Likely because I never really did anything in my childhood that would have realistically earned something like that – I am not being coy, I was terrified of being in trouble! The best I can come up with is perhaps losing my temper or procrastination (funny enough, still relevant). Once I was older, I wrapped my head around the concept of it just being good for me, but that took a while. There are a few others – bending over a bed/couch arm/chair in jeans for the belt, a hard hand spanking at bedtime in pajamas, and more.
What I have been thinking a lot about for a while, is when those fantasies, especially those closely held and for a long time, have a chance to become reality. Can any fantasy truly become reality? Are they translatable? I think a feeling, or tone, definitely can be. The logistics can sometimes be tricky. Wanting to feel small, not in control, seen, a little embarrassed – with the right person, the right level of trust, and the opportunity, these feel very possible. Unsupported OTK on a chair for a spanking that I physically fight a bit in which I end up limp and crying? Far less likely. Can I go over a lap on a chair? Yes, and reasonably comfortably, too! Unsupported OTK of the variety that is often fantasized about with feet dangling and hands on the floor (or also dangling!) can be really hard on the upper body. I’m not 18 anymore and I am not a small person! Even for someone younger or smaller, it can be a lot on the upper body/back. With some people, it wouldn’t physically be possible with my body type, but it is doable.
The fantasy of helplessly dangling over a disciplinarians knees while being thoroughly walloped is practically intoxicating, while the reality requires a bit of finesse. There’s options, of course – a shorter spanking in that position would be really doable for me. A longer but less physically intense spanking, might be. A chair or ottoman to support the upper body while still giving those dangling feet space to kick, would work well. A wide enough lap on just the right chair, at just the right height, that I still feel mostly supported. My personal favorite adjustment for this position on a regular basis, is a supported upper body on a bed or couch, with legs dangling. I’m short, so this works. If my spanker angles their body just right, I’ll be securely supported over their lap with my upper body on a comfortable surface, and my legs kicking, unable to even make it to the floor if I wanted them to. My husband has started using this position more recently in our guest room by angling himself on our guest bed, and it’s fast become our favorite. It’s comfortable for him but gives me that hard-to-capture sense of feeling little (both psychologically and physically – physically is important because I want to feel that I am not in control) and not in control.
A position I’d not seen before but got to recently [err, 6 months ago] experience was true OTK (that’s over-the-knee vs over a lap which is often what we mean when we talk about OTK!) on both a bed and a couch. In the first instance, Paul sat on the side of the bed with his back against the pillows/head of the bed, with his left leg extended on the bed. Knee/thigh handily (ha ha) available. Again, because I am short, this was very effective at keeping my feet off the ground without putting any strain on my upper body. It was perfect for capturing that little feeling for bedtimes and for a more serious hairbrush spanking, because it also leaves the tops other leg free to restrain rather easily – if necessary. I think this is also a comfortable position from the top perspective because they’re also not fully supporting another adult and can still maintain physical control. Another version of this (that fast became a favorite) that worked in this context because of the sofa in question, was when he sat on the arm of the sofa, left leg extended similarly, and going over it. Now both upper and lower bodies are dangling but the upper body still has the support of the couch. At least for me – again, because I am short – this worked. I’ve never felt so truly over-the-knee than I did in this position. I was able to kick freely, I was comfortable (well, you know), but my upper body was still a bit dangly, but it was easy for him to hold me around the waist/hips. Because of the support for the top, it’s an easy position to maintain for a longer period while keeping physical control. That’s not to say I didn’t make an escape attempt – I was nearly successful once, too 😉
This position fully emphasizes my position as one not in control, makes me feel physically small, and reminds me that I am not too big or too old or too anything, to be put over someone’s knee and have my bottom smacked. Heady, that. The first time I was spanked in this position, it went right to my head. As someone in a larger body (ie. fat), I often worry I won’t fit over a lap or that I’ll be too much for a spanking somehow. Rarely has anyone actually made me feel this way, but the fear and insecurity is still there. It’s not based in reality. I am short and one of my regular play partners is only a few inches taller than me, but I fit over his lap just fine – especially when he sits on the edge of the bed and angles properly. Other play partners are much taller and I have no problem over their laps either. But the question is still there: can the fantasy live up to the logistical reality?
The first time I was spanked with a hairbrush, in accordance with that lifelong fantasy, I was shocked by how much the brush hurt. Granted, I had only been spanked once at this point, a hand spanking, from someone who had also never spanked another person, so we were truly figuring things out as we went, but I struggled so much, I jumped up and hid and also hid the hairbrush! Even the bit of self-spanking I had done, hadn’t hurt that much (obviously, because I was a child and teenager doing it to myself!) and although this person was safe and very close in age to me, we were still just basically teenagers fumbling through. We found our footing and stuck to hand spanking after that but he was the first person to spank me with both a hairbrush and a belt; both implements are the core of my fantasies. In this case, fantasy met reality and reality was rough – but it didn’t diminish the fantasy at all. I continued to think about these things and the fumbles we took didn’t take anything away from that. It wasn’t a let down.
I’ve had scenes where the reality much more closely matched the fantasy – particularly with being strapped with a belt because leather is something I generally love and can take a lot of. Over jeans, which feels very parentally realistic to me, my partner can go quite hard which gets into my head and emphasizes that lack of control, without me being completely unable to take it. As adults doing kink, it helps if there is a touch of sadism in my partner here. I want to know that they are enjoying doing these things to me, even when I don’t like it. Of course, like/enjoy/want are complicated and the topic for yet another blog post probably. I like the domesticity of a spanker using something so personal (their own belt) to spank me with. It can also feel possessive. In this case, the fantasy more easily matches reality. The feeling and tone match what I imagine, the feeling of the belt matches what I imagine, that the spanking is not quick matches what I imagine. Logistically it’s a lot easier too, to find something to bend over so there’s less compromise on positioning. The deep thuddy ache I feel later, matches. It’s chef’s kiss, just about perfect. Mmm leather.
That unsupported-OTK hairbrush spanking fantasy has been more elusive. I’ve gotten close a handful of times and pretty near on the button more recently. I can’t do unsupported-OTK for as long as this kind of spanking needs to be (and I don’t mean an hour but even just 15 or more minutes would be too much) so it feels like the compromise is giving that position up (I’d be willing to try it, I just haven’t). Having my upper body supported for it, hasn’t diminished the fantasy, although I feared it would. My husband doesn’t love this type of spanking but he tries and I love him for it. We’ve done it partially supported with my hands on another chair in front of me and with my upper body on the bed, legs dangling, but the severity is not his jam. He can spank me hard but I almost always know he’s going to stop before I get to the letting go, so it simply becomes an endurance test. They’re not bad or unwanted spankings – but they miss the mark for this particular fantasy short of being right physically.
The much trickier part here has been finding the right person who is 1. willing to spank me like that (not everyone wants to give a cold, hard, hairbrush spanking that is intended to make someone kick and squirm and, well, cry) 2. available for it – there are plenty of people who enjoy disciplinary style spankings but are they local? do they have the capacity for something that emotionally intense? are they available for the aftercare required? and 3. someone that I trust to open up to and be vulnerable with. I’ve found the right person is really key here – the physical logistics can be adjusted. If someone gets it and is willing, that feels like the biggest hurdle.
I was most worried about bringing that fantasy to reality because of the all these factors – and also, quite frankly, that type of spanking hurts. A lot. It needs to, of course, it’s what I want. Need. I need someone who can do that and wants to. Be firm. Know they’re hurting me and be ok with it. There needs to be a touch of sadism here in enjoying hurting someone, especially when you know they want it, and it’s good for them.
The stars aligned recently and I asked someone I trusted for this kind of spanking. We’ll call him Paul – because that’s his name and he told me to use it. It took me nearly a week to get up the courage and I still needed a lot of coaxing and help in getting it out. I cried the whole time. I actually think I cried more during the asking, than the spanking itself. I knew he wouldn’t stop when I panicked, if I cried, if I begged and said no and wanted him to stop (remember, no is not a safe word for me!). He would stop when it had been enough and it was clear I had let go and felt dealt with. But that would be up to him and not me. This is explicitly what I asked for.
After we actually did it, Paul asked me if the spanking was what I expected. It was but it wasn’t exactly what I had imagined – but that wasn’t a bad thing. The tone, headspace, and feelings were all right. I felt exactly how I wanted to. The spanking itself was shorter than I expected (and maybe it’s not surprising that in reality, with the right person and tone that this wouldn’t need to be so long? but it also came on the heels of a week of other play including some headier stuff – also it’s not like we set a timer so I don’t actually know how long it was) but it was as hard of a spanking as I had imagined it might be – I think in my head spankings are always more severe, but I haven’t figured out why. It all worked. I didn’t cry how I thought I would but that’s another thing that’s largely out of one’s control. I sniffled and wept. The letting go was a lot less dramatic/obvious than I thought it might be. There simply came a point when I wasn’t kicking or struggling as much (though, he started with my legs locked so there wasn’t much anyway!) and fully submitted, realizing he wasn’t going to stop just because I was fighting. I did kick, I did squirm, I did beg, I said no – and he kept going. When he stopped, it wasn’t abrupt, and he switched to his hand which provided the perfect bit of personal connection after something as harsh as an ebony hairbrush. He didn’t use his hand lightly, either – I remember feeling caught off guard by how hard it was and started crying again.
Objectively, I did not like this spanking. It was hard, firm, and well, it hurt. But I loved it. I loved how it made me feel: looked after and seen and cared for. I loved that I was able to ask for this need and have it met by someone who wanted to do it and enjoyed it. It wasn’t about misbehavior or punishment or anything but that need – for both of us. My need to receive it and his need to give it.
Perhaps most importantly, it showed me it was possible. It showed me I could trust him and that when he said he wasn’t afraid to spank me like that, he meant it. Sometimes that kind of spanking is right and appropriate and I need it and if everything is aligned (primarily us being in the same place and having the time/space), I know he would do it again. There’s comfort in that. Did it match my fantasy? No – and neither are diminished because of that. The fantasy is intact and the reality was good.
I’m curious if anyone else has had a similar experience with bringing long held spanking fantasies into reality? There are some that I will probably always keep in my head, but it’s nice to know you can try and get there and not diminish the fantasy at all.
-M
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