And what of (“mainstream”) sexuality?

I’m alive, I promise! Just busy and distracted. In good and not-so-good ways, but mostly life is chugging along and I am trying to stay busy.

I wrote recently – well, sort of recently? that spanking is my sexuality, but also so much more. But sexuality is complex. It’s not binary, as many think. So spanking is the core of my sexuality, yes, but there’s more to it. A little more than a year ago, I updated my Fetlife profile from heterosexual (which I never really was, if I’m honest with myself) to demisexual. What does that mean? Someone who identifies as demisexual typically only feels sexual attraction to someone after developing a strong emotional bond with them. This has always been true for me but I didn’t realize it was unusual or atypical. I can definitely find physical characteristics appealing, but I am not typically attracted to people physically, first. However, if I feel very emotionally connected to someone, I find them wildly attractive and the closer we get, the deeper I fall.

When I first met my husband, we got coffee and although I found him funny and easy to talk to, I think we both left that meetup without any expectations. It’s not that I found him unattractive at all (he is conventionally attractive) but that I didn’t yet feel a connection because we had just met. As the weeks progressed, of course, that changed. We spent more time together, talked a TON, and I knew within 2 months that I was going to marry him. We played, we kissed, we cuddled, eventually we had sex – but not very quickly, and not because we didn’t want to. When we did, it was great and fun and connected. It felt more meaningful than sex I’d had previously when I was trying to chase a feeling that just didn’t work for me.

How does this impact spanking? Well, I don’t tend to want to play casually because I want to know people/feel connected to them in some way, even if the spanking isn’t sex/sexual. The problem is also that the more I get to know someone, the more connected I feel to them, the more I want them and want them to spank me. The closer and more connected I feel, the “worse” it is. It means there is even greater risk for me opening up to someone about play, because the connection just leads to deeper connection and bigger & stronger feelings. The more we talk, each time I play with someone, the more feelings there are. Not in love, just, connection, platonic love, caring about them, etc. This means it takes me a rather long time to warm up to playing with someone, but once I do, I am latched on. I don’t want to let them go. I want it to get stronger and deeper and feel that in our play, etc. I don’t see any of this as a bad thing, but it does mean I am not suited to everyone. Not everyone wants to play that way or connect strongly or deeply with their play partners, so it’s something I have to navigate. It’s not that I don’t want to play casually – or do, even – but I want to be able to play in a way that is meaningful without imposing myself on others in a way they aren’t interested in, so coming back out into play outside my marriage has been, again, something to navigate. I feel my feelings deeply and that will never change. It’s something I love about myself.

To complicate it even more, I’m not even straight – despite pretending for a really long time. I can obviously pass because I am married to a man, but that doesn’t make me any less bisexual. That demisexuality applies equally to men and women, however I have had a lot less experience with it with women, because of walls I put up. I’ve allowed myself to be open to those connections a lot less – for reasons I wrote about recently also. I am trying to be more open though, and say it out loud so I can embrace, rather than hide, from it. I hope to get to explore those connections with women over time, but I’m trying to go slow and not force it.

This was on my mind this morning – along with a very sore bottom I got yesterday. Maybe I’ll write about that play – and some others, soon. I have posted a lot about my recent play on both BlueSky and Fetlife. A reminder that I don’t accept friend requests on Fetlife blindly, but you’re welcome to follow me.

I am also working on my April Book Round Up which I hope to post by Friday this week. What are you reading? Are you getting up to kinky stuff?

-M