R/L: When punishment is earned

I’ve written in the past about how spanking works between my husband and I and how we connect, how we are working on connecting, etc. We don’t have a domestic discipline relationship of course, but I’ve been making a better effort in communication and he’s been making a ton of effort to hear me and see me and try to meet those discipline needs in ways that work for him also. This has meant a lot of play-play, and what most would call maintenance spankings. But on Saturday night, he caught me off guard – in the best way, and I got a spanking that left me feeling truly punished and chastised. Saturday was rough y’all. I was an emotional mess. I volunteered to drive 2.5 hours (each way) to help out a friend and it was the best decision because it kept me off my phone and occupied for a while. More past the jump and there’s NSFW photos in this post.

It’s explained my current situation a bit more at the end of my April Book Round Up but it’s a tough situation currently. It sucks and it’s shitty but it’s not going to change anytime soon, and there are some moments that are particularly rough. This weekend was one of them. I was about to type that I have done everything I can to protect myself in this way, but the whole point here, in fact, is that I have not. I have blocked the person on every kink (and vanilla) social media platform, account, and community space that I can, but on certain platforms, I can simply log out and see public posts. Yes, this is courter productive, self-sabotaging, and very upsetting. I don’t need to see the nasty things someone is posting about me. It hurts and it’s frustrating and I know it’ll upset me. It’s a bad habit and impulse. I did that a lot on Friday and Saturday. It lead to a rough day.

Once I got home from helping my friend (this was also good because it was a tangible reminder of the good people I have in my life) and we had dinner and put the kiddo to bed, I joked to Daniel that he might have to spank me because no one else was going to. I had also had a play date planned for Saturday morning but that friend wasn’t in the right space for play, so we got breakfast instead. I was grateful to spend time with him even without play, but I had really been looking forward to that spanking. So when Daddy texted me from upstairs that I was to put myself in the corner with my hands on my head and my bottom bare, with my nightgown out of the way, I flushed and the butterflies entered the chat. My assumption was: something akin to maintenance, some more intense play, maybe some vibes. He had spanked me earlier in the week (for funsies…and because I ran away from him when he went to fetch a spoon, ha!) and I still had a large bruise on my left cheek.

Anyway, I put myself in the corner and waited as I was told. It was a few minutes but not super long. He called me out of the corner where my nightgown dropped and he spanked me over his lap, over my nightgown, for a while, before drawing it up. My bottom was still bare with my panties wedged below my cheeks. This hand spanking was nothing to sneeze at – it wasn’t super hard but it wasn’t a warm up either. I was kicking and squirming and he shifted his legs so my feet were completely off the ground. Oh, I thought. Oh no. He put me over a pillow on the bed next and belted me, hard, for quite a while. I didn’t count this time (he gave me 200, deliciously, with his new Hanks belt the week before!) but it had to be more than 100 because I stopped attempting to count at 80. These were hard but not relentless.

He sent me to the corner after this, nightgown tucked into my arms which were behind my back, panties pulled down. As I caught my breath, he came up close behind me, and began scolding me. I don’t recall the exact words, so I am paraphrasing here, but he asked if looking at things online that I knew would upset me, counted as taking care of myself. If that was a way of prioritizing my wellbeing and mental health. I started to cry. I sniffled, and said no. He told me I was going to stay in the corner and think about that for a little while and then go back across his lap for some of the hairbrush! Reader, I did not stop crying, but I also didn’t argue.

He was right. I was just surprised he saw it. I’ve only felt like that one other time and it was with someone else and I was surprised then, too. It’s such a rare thing, to feel so properly seen.

When he called me out, he stood me in front of him and said, “You need to take care of yourself and if you can’t, I won’t hesitate to smack your bottom.” I went back over his lap, he held me tight, made sure my feet were off the ground, and said, “This will not be fun,” and then proceeded to spank me very hard with the ebony hairbrush while I cried into the quilt. I have to be honest, I was so spent and he was right and I needed it, so I didn’t fight. I didn’t reach back. I squirmed and kicked, expectedly, but I fully accepted this and let go. He was very thorough, not missing my sit spots or the tops of my thighs. He paused, once, to tell me we weren’t quite finished and said some soothing words, before continuing for quite a bit longer.

When he was finished, he helped me off his lap and I knelt and hugged him. He held me for a good while, then got the lotion and put me back over his lap for some comfort. I rested a while and then we went upstairs to bed. I don’t remember falling asleep and I proceeded to sleep like an absolute rock for nearly 8 hours. I really needed that – both the spanking and the sleep!

I needed to be pulled out of my head, away from the toxic impulses I was giving into, and ultimately reminded that I was seen, held, cared for, and loved.

I was very sore on Sunday for Mother’s Day (which was a lovely day!) and well into Monday. It’s unusual for me to be sore upon sitting for that long from a single spanking. He was thorough and I really felt it. But Sunday night, I was struggling again so I sat down and wrote those lines as both a meditation and an affirmation. It was a message I needed to hear and tell myself.

The lies people tell about me are none of my business.

Today was a lot better than yesterday, but not great. Tomorrow will be better than today. And so on and so forth.

-M