Ok, last week was kind of a heavy posting week. I’ve thrown myself into writing since that’s how I process things. Revisiting those posts that I wrote so long ago and had been holding onto, was both freeing and incredibly difficult. I should be able to share the experiences I want to, but looking back at the memories made me both smile and cry in equal measure. I have also been focused on some upcoming travel. I will be traveling to Europe alone for the first time ever in a few weeks for a (scene!) friend’s birthday. I tagged on two days before, in Amsterdam, and two days after, staying in Haarlem. I am looking forward to the alone time, frankly.
Continue reading “Whew”Month: September 2025
R/L: Defiance in Action
[note – all dialogue is paraphrased – except for that line about smacking my legs – stuff like that sticks in my head!]
This was written in October of 2024. For lots of complicated reasons, I haven’t been able to post it until now, but it’s about real-life play that really hit a deep and vulnerable part of me. It was really meaningful and special at the time so I wanted to write about it. Enough time has passed that I feel comfortable sharing it now. I’ve edited some of it for tense, and to protect the persons privacy, but mostly left it as it was at the time.
I’ve written about defiance before – how it manifests, why, how it’s different from the manipulation of bratting for me. It’s as honest an act and feeling as obedience, when it shows up – and my mood was ripe for it in Las Vegas in 2024. Saturday was especially difficult for me. It was a day I had expected to be able to fully engage with my friends and the party (even after COVID, since I’d tested negative twice), and I couldn’t. I was emotionally raw, tired, frustrated, and decidedly not in control of the situation in any way, shape, or form. I was also cranky about it. I had FOMO.
Continue reading “R/L: Defiance in Action”Where art thou, uniforms?
I have been asked a lot recently, what happened to talking about uniforms, posting photos, etc. This is a difficult one, I’m afraid. Uniforms are indelibly linked to discipline for me, which as I’ve written about, is not necessarily about real life things or punishment, but more of a broad structure, that is very real, but can stand on its own. Since letting uniform/discipline come to the front of my mind, acknowledging it, gaining a context and vocabulary for it, I’ve only felt safe enough to explore it with one person (Elephant). I have tried wearing my uniforms on my own, for me (and I had hoped/thought with time I would be able to do that more and have it be meaningful) but it always felt a little off somehow – I needed more time & practice basically. Last October, for complicated reasons that will not be made public fodder by me, he made it clear he wouldn’t be available for any sort of play for the foreseeable future. We didn’t only play with uniforms/discipline, but I only did those things with him.
Continue reading “Where art thou, uniforms?”