Trust, Vulnerability, Childhood Trauma…and Kink?

This is a very personal post. It’s a deep dive into my head, my history, some of the things that have shaped me, and is about me figuring it all out. I started writing it on January 14, 2025, in the midst of some deep emotional pain, some of which I am still navigating. I’ve revised it over 30 times before finally posting and WordPress tells me it is 4129 words long. I mention some of the childhood abuse I experienced in this post, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse – so a word of caution for those who may be sensitive to such subjects.

Please know, you don’t have to read this – you really don’t, but if you do, and you decide to comment, please be kind.

Why do we bother?

This is a question I’ve had for myself for a few months now. I’ve am fairly sure I have mentioned this on this blog before, but haven’t told the true and full backstory of where it came from, and I think now is the time: since I was 19 years old, I pigeon-holed my kink. I stuck to the most familiar, easiest (for me to access without much vulnerability), and most straight forward manifestation of what I held inside (fairly straight forward anyway: daddy-thing, rarely real-life, physical intensity, etc). I did this for a few reasons, but the primary one was that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t think I was safe. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who could be trusted to try new things – especially deep seated and vulnerable ones – and handle it, that if something went wrong, I’d overreact or react badly. In order to trust someone else to do these things with, you must first trust and believe in yourself. I didn’t.

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Fiction: On The Set, Ch 1 – The Emma Emergency

This story isn’t by me! It’s by my good friend, Haley Brimley. Haley is one of the first spanking story authors I found back in the day and he used to host his own story website and forum called “Down in The Den” – he was also sporadically active on the old SSS Usenet group. Haley and I have been friends for…like, literally a million years, and I recently asked if I could archive my favorite story series of his, on my blog. He is primarily known for his “Haley + Christy” series, but On The Set was my first ever fanfic and Snape fanfic is pretty much the only stuff I enjoy now – see my kink resources to links to two Snape/Harry ones on AO3 that I love. However…this is *actually* an Alan Rickman & Emma Watson HP based fanfic. It was written with Tia O’Connell, who he hasn’t heard from in many years. I will include his own authors note, as well. If you like the story, you can leave a comment here for him, or shoot him an email.

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What makes a spanko a spanko? What’s my fetish? Am I a masochist?

Note: remember, this is about me and applies to me and if something different applies to you, that’s ok!

Labels are a finicky thing, in my opinion. I don’t always love applying them to myself or my friendships/relationships, but their function in social proprioception and how we relate to the world cannot be denied. They can also be incredibly validating and affirming, which are good and positive things. That said, most labels come with caveats, which is fine – people are much more complex than single words. I think the only single word that describes me and doesn’t either leave anything out or assume anything, is spanko. I always thought that was a fairly straight forward descriptor for myself. It’s a shortened term for “spankophile” but which has been adopted by the spanking community as how we identify vs its designation as a paraphilia term. If you come into a room of fellow spanko’s and identify yourself as such, people know what you mean. Language has meaning and power and people understand this.

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