And what of (“mainstream”) sexuality?

I’m alive, I promise! Just busy and distracted. In good and not-so-good ways, but mostly life is chugging along and I am trying to stay busy.

I wrote recently – well, sort of recently? that spanking is my sexuality, but also so much more. But sexuality is complex. It’s not binary, as many think. So spanking is the core of my sexuality, yes, but there’s more to it. A little more than a year ago, I updated my Fetlife profile from heterosexual (which I never really was, if I’m honest with myself) to demisexual. What does that mean? Someone who identifies as demisexual typically only feels sexual attraction to someone after developing a strong emotional bond with them. This has always been true for me but I didn’t realize it was unusual or atypical. I can definitely find physical characteristics appealing, but I am not typically attracted to people physically, first. However, if I feel very emotionally connected to someone, I find them wildly attractive and the closer we get, the deeper I fall.

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Trust, Vulnerability, Childhood Trauma…and Kink?

This is a very personal post. It’s a deep dive into my head, my history, some of the things that have shaped me, and is about me figuring it all out. I started writing it on January 14, 2025, in the midst of some deep emotional pain, some of which I am still navigating. I’ve revised it over 30 times before finally posting and WordPress tells me it is 4129 words long. I mention some of the childhood abuse I experienced in this post, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse – so a word of caution for those who may be sensitive to such subjects.

Please know, you don’t have to read this – you really don’t, but if you do, and you decide to comment, please be kind.

Why do we bother?

This is a question I’ve had for myself for a few months now. I’ve am fairly sure I have mentioned this on this blog before, but haven’t told the true and full backstory of where it came from, and I think now is the time: since I was 19 years old, I pigeon-holed my kink. I stuck to the most familiar, easiest (for me to access without much vulnerability), and most straight forward manifestation of what I held inside (fairly straight forward anyway: daddy-thing, rarely real-life, physical intensity, etc). I did this for a few reasons, but the primary one was that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t think I was safe. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who could be trusted to try new things – especially deep seated and vulnerable ones – and handle it, that if something went wrong, I’d overreact or react badly. In order to trust someone else to do these things with, you must first trust and believe in yourself. I didn’t.

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What makes a spanko a spanko? What’s my fetish? Am I a masochist?

Note: remember, this is about me and applies to me and if something different applies to you, that’s ok!

Labels are a finicky thing, in my opinion. I don’t always love applying them to myself or my friendships/relationships, but their function in social proprioception and how we relate to the world cannot be denied. They can also be incredibly validating and affirming, which are good and positive things. That said, most labels come with caveats, which is fine – people are much more complex than single words. I think the only single word that describes me and doesn’t either leave anything out or assume anything, is spanko. I always thought that was a fairly straight forward descriptor for myself. It’s a shortened term for “spankophile” but which has been adopted by the spanking community as how we identify vs its designation as a paraphilia term. If you come into a room of fellow spanko’s and identify yourself as such, people know what you mean. Language has meaning and power and people understand this.

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