On Love & Trying

The way January dragged on, it blows my mind that it is already nearly mid-February. How and when did that happen?!

Today is my ninth wedding anniversary! That’s wild, to me. Not because of anything bad, but just because if you’d told teenaged Marie that someday she’d have someone who loves her fully, let alone a stable job she loves, owns a house, and gets to be a mom to the most amazing child, she never would have believed you. Daniel and I met Sept 8, 2013 and by late October, I knew I was going to marry him – and I even emailed a friend on 11/11/13 to tell them that!

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Drifting

I am struck today by how much I feel as though I am drifting. This sense of floundering, unable to get a grasp on anything. Desperate for connection, desperate for something that I can’t quite articulate. I have been working on a post about my “toy bag” so to speak, but that’s difficult when, again, spanking and kink feel so far away. I don’t want to look at these things I love and cherish, touch them, take photos of them, write about them. We don’t have many and each feels special because of that, and engaging with them stings a bit right now. It also makes me think of the other ones. A ruler I bought in the Munich airport last January. A tawse (er, or two) I recently won on eBay.

Connection still feels elusive, life makes the already flickering lights of kink energy feel as though they’re going to disappear at any moment.

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R/L: Playing With Others, New Friends, and Beating

I’ve written before about how my husband is supportive of me playing with other people, because there are just ways in which he doesn’t want to play or his kink doesn’t manifest. So how does that work? It used to primarily be casually at parties which is basically semi-public play. After we met, I only played with one other person privately until fairly recently – mostly because of circumstances (privacy, timing, pregnancy, COVID, etc). It was also important that we have a strong foundation and he wasn’t as comfortable, early on. Playing with friends I’ve known for years, that he also knows, is much simpler. It feels like an extension of that friendship. But how about new-new people?

This past fall, I connected with someone locally who I had seen around on Fetlife for years, who I thought I might jive with – his name is Pat (and I share that with his permission – anytime I write about someone by name, I’ve had their explicit permission). We chatted a lot, I told my husband about him, and he and I set up a coffee date. That went well and we both wanted to play. Because I would be inviting this person into our home, Daniel wanted to meet him – completely fair! I have to admit, I was a little annoyed at first – not because I didn’t want them to meet, but because it required me facilitating it. My husband doesn’t really socialize in the scene online or attend many events, so he won’t meet people as organically as I do – this is unlikely to change, so this is the compromise/agreement.

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