R/L: Asking to Be Punished

A more vulnerable post, let’s see how it goes. This is from pre-Vegas because I am still unsure about sharing those posts – but they’re written.

There is room in my kink for real-life punishment. It’s rare (feeling necessary perhaps a few times per year, at the most) but it’s there. My husband and I don’t have a “typical” (heavy on the air quotes there on typical) domestic discipline relationship because we don’t use spanking as a part of our relationship in the way most people think of when they think of DD. There are no rules or expectations in our relationship or house that when fallen short of, result in a spanking. There is no formal kink dynamic here. The times punishment feels necessary or helpful, usually it comes from me. It’s something I feel I’ve fallen short of, an expectation of or for myself, or a mistake/behavior I can’t move past and because of the role of spanking in my life – it helps. Spanking is how I access vulnerable parts of me; it can be one way to access and let go of some Big Feelings, and that’s how it’s used in these moments. I can give the moment over to this kind of discipline and move past it.

Continue reading →

R/L: When Fantasy Meets Reality – making it work!

[I started this several months ago and am finishing it off now and posting it. I also want to say, I talk a lot about the do-ability of a spanking over a lap on a chair in this post, and I got to do a fair amount of this recently, and have to say…it actually worked quite well. Physically demanding, yes, but it worked better than I expected!]

For many of us, (us being spankos) we have a core fantasy that has been present in our minds since childhood. Sometimes it’s a recurring scenario or a specific tone, headspace, or implement. I’ve already written about my primary core fantasy, as a fiction, and a bit in general. Early on it was a very parental, disciplinary style spanking with a hand and hairbrush, though I’ve always struggled to identify the reason for the spanking. Likely because I never really did anything in my childhood that would have realistically earned something like that – I am not being coy, I was terrified of being in trouble! The best I can come up with is perhaps losing my temper or procrastination (funny enough, still relevant). Once I was older, I wrapped my head around the concept of it just being good for me, but that took a while. There are a few others – bending over a bed/couch arm/chair in jeans for the belt, a hard hand spanking at bedtime in pajamas, and more.

What I have been thinking a lot about for a while, is when those fantasies, especially those closely held and for a long time, have a chance to become reality. Can any fantasy truly become reality? Are they translatable? I think a feeling, or tone, definitely can be. The logistics can sometimes be tricky. Wanting to feel small, not in control, seen, a little embarrassed – with the right person, the right level of trust, and the opportunity, these feel very possible. Unsupported OTK on a chair for a spanking that I physically fight a bit in which I end up limp and crying? Far less likely. Can I go over a lap on a chair? Yes, and reasonably comfortably, too! Unsupported OTK of the variety that is often fantasized about with feet dangling and hands on the floor (or also dangling!) can be really hard on the upper body. I’m not 18 anymore and I am not a small person! Even for someone younger or smaller, it can be a lot on the upper body/back. With some people, it wouldn’t physically be possible with my body type, but it is doable.

Continue reading →

In My Head

I promise, I haven’t abandoned this, even though I am not sure there’s anyone really here reading (jk, I know there are folks reading!). I am trying to remind myself that not every post has to be a perfect treatise on a given topic. It’s not like I am not thinking about spanking – I am, constantly, it feels like. Frankly, I feel 15 again with how at the forefront of my mind spanking is. But also, I missed this part of myself for so many years and I am glad it’s back. It doesn’t feel all-consuming, just…there. There in a way it hadn’t been for a while. There in a way that I feel like a more complete version of myself. I’m not thinking about it because I miss it and everything it brought to my life but rather because it feels like an integrated part of my being again. I know who this Marie is.

And this Marie is thinking a lot about what has become one of my favorite types of spankings over the years. When I began playing at 18 (well, we’ll go with that publicly) it was a lot of hand spanking and trying any/every thing. I was pretty open to experimentation, but I did always love hand spanking. Those early years when I was living in NYC and attending Paddles OTK nights (and MSA and SSNY parties) regularly, I was playing primarily with one person (whom I am lucky enough to still call a friend) and leather became the name of the game. The thing about leather, for me, is that I can generally take a lot of it. It was also the first way I was able to access submission.

Continue reading →