Where oh where have I been?

I am here! My last post was kind of a lot, so I wanted to give it some space, and also, last week was very busy for me! My kiddo was on spring break so there was a bit less school and childcare than usual. Monday I had a work event so I had to be in the city overnight – it was a nice break away by myself, though! Spend time with family later in the week, met a new (but known-online) spanko friend on Friday, which lead into a busy weekend which lead into this week. My husband’s 40th birthday week with the most epic surprise I’ve ever pulled off. I flew his parents in from Germany without him knowing and we picked them up Tuesday. Birthday dinner Wednesday night, of course, all amidst work and parenting. They’re truly lovely though, so I am pleased to have them here.

It has been decidedly NOT very kinky though. I did get him – in addition to his parents – a Hanks Belt for uh…you know, keeping his jeans up! I went with The Everyday Belt in Oak – it’s really lovely and heavy and looks great on. We shall test it out this weekend at the Cheeky Spankos party. I also got him a bottle of Highland Park 12Y whisky because we tried it on our cruise and really enjoyed it. It’s been a really lovely week.

I know I have comments to reply to on my last post – I’ll get to it. This week has also been a bit heavy with my mom as well.

-M

Trust, Vulnerability, Childhood Trauma…and Kink?

This is a very personal post. It’s a deep dive into my head, my history, some of the things that have shaped me, and is about me figuring it all out. I started writing it on January 14, 2025, in the midst of some deep emotional pain, some of which I am still navigating. I’ve revised it over 30 times before finally posting and WordPress tells me it is 4129 words long. I mention some of the childhood abuse I experienced in this post, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse – so a word of caution for those who may be sensitive to such subjects.

Please know, you don’t have to read this – you really don’t, but if you do, and you decide to comment, please be kind.

Why do we bother?

This is a question I’ve had for myself for a few months now. I’ve am fairly sure I have mentioned this on this blog before, but haven’t told the true and full backstory of where it came from, and I think now is the time: since I was 19 years old, I pigeon-holed my kink. I stuck to the most familiar, easiest (for me to access without much vulnerability), and most straight forward manifestation of what I held inside (fairly straight forward anyway: daddy-thing, rarely real-life, physical intensity, etc). I did this for a few reasons, but the primary one was that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t think I was safe. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who could be trusted to try new things – especially deep seated and vulnerable ones – and handle it, that if something went wrong, I’d overreact or react badly. In order to trust someone else to do these things with, you must first trust and believe in yourself. I didn’t.

Continue reading →

R/L: Dear You / being exposed, feeling seen

This was written as (and shared with him first, of course) a “letter” to my husband, processing a spanking he gave me a week ago Saturday. He said he wouldn’t mind if I shared it here and I felt it fit nicely with the anecdote at the end because it’s an illustration of an example of what I am talking about. I’ve experienced a few other moments of this feeling I describe, and maybe I’ll write about them someday.

This is about being seen, not just someone physically noticing you’re there with their eyes, but seeing inside of you, to the core of who you are, your vulnerabilities, your insecurities. Being seen like this is a form of knowing someone. To me, it feels like a form of love, a way of loving (and I don’t mean romantic love).

It’s a retelling – but not in story form or even as a reporting – about an intimate, close, hot, intense, beautiful moment between my husband and I.

o0o

Continue reading →