This was originally written (and posted on my previous blog) October 4, 2009, the day after the (now defunct) OTK Night at Paddles, in NYC (a BDSM club that had a small cafe area with booths and seating but was rather dark with few private areas). I was a regular attendee from 2007-2013ish and even organized the pre-event Munch for a year or so. I was unhappy that a friend had to leave a bit earlier that night. This was someone with whom I had a very parental disciplinary dynamic with at the time – my first and so far, only, experience with something like that. Anyway, my best writing tends to come in bursts – emotionally charged, can’t get it out of my head fast enough, just need to write it down and get it out – vs planning and taking my time. This was no different. It’s not long, but it captures the feeling.

At the time, I was nearly 21 so this was 15 years ago. I think the biggest theme here is something I’ve explored since (personally, not in fiction) which is the idea that someone can see me at my sort of “worst” – my emotional worst, that is – big feelings, insecurity, etc. and be ok with it. That they won’t abandon me or change how they feel – they will simply…deal with it and continue loving/caring about me. This person very much did that for me at the time, which is I am sure what inspired this.