This is a very personal post. It’s a deep dive into my head, my history, some of the things that have shaped me, and is about me figuring it all out. I started writing it on January 14, 2025, in the midst of some deep emotional pain, some of which I am still navigating. I’ve revised it over 30 times before finally posting and WordPress tells me it is 4129 words long. I mention some of the childhood abuse I experienced in this post, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse – so a word of caution for those who may be sensitive to such subjects.

Please know, you don’t have to read this – you really don’t, but if you do, and you decide to comment, please be kind.

Why do we bother?

This is a question I’ve had for myself for a few months now. I’ve am fairly sure I have mentioned this on this blog before, but haven’t told the true and full backstory of where it came from, and I think now is the time: since I was 19 years old, I pigeon-holed my kink. I stuck to the most familiar, easiest (for me to access without much vulnerability), and most straight forward manifestation of what I held inside (fairly straight forward anyway: daddy-thing, rarely real-life, physical intensity, etc). I did this for a few reasons, but the primary one was that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t think I was safe. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who could be trusted to try new things – especially deep seated and vulnerable ones – and handle it, that if something went wrong, I’d overreact or react badly. In order to trust someone else to do these things with, you must first trust and believe in yourself. I didn’t.

Continue reading “Trust, Vulnerability, Childhood Trauma…and Kink?” →