Punishment vs. Discipline – how do they work for me?

My earliest spanking fantasies – as mentioned previously – focused on punishment and discipline dynamics. I used these terms interchangeably until recently but was usually meaning punishment. Something that I’ve been working my brain around in the last several months is the differences between the two and why I’ve struggled to identify what it was I really wanted. I should probably start with how I define these two. It’s important to note that these are only my definitions and analysis – there are as many ways of looking at how spanking fits into punishment and discipline as there are participants. These needs are person specific!

Punishment is reactionary. Person A does X and Person B punishes Person A for X infraction. In a punishment dynamic, the rules are set, agreed upon, and punishment is doled out. Punishment also requires Person B keep track of these things – in my head, it’s a very active dynamic, meaning (in my experience) it’s difficult for it to be consistent and effective, without it being always on in some way. If the rules are not being reinforced, they become ineffective and pointless. I have friends who use or have used punishment a bit less acutely and have seen it work that way (for small infractions or minor bad habits).

Now, I can’t say there is never room for punishment in my life. I have had one genuine dynamic (that is, before my marriage!) in the past where punishment helped me reach my goals and I graduated from school because of it. For me, it has to be me-driven. I have no interest in someone else imposing rules on me – I am an adult and feel like I have a fairly firm grasp on my day-to-day life. Where punishment can be effective, is if something comes from me. I have to be the driver behind it and punishment (or consequences) serves to absolve guilt and help me deal with those feelings. An example of this might be when I am not my best self and can’t move beyond a mistake. It’s rare, but it happens, and feeling like I’ve been punished helps me move on. Punishment outside of this context doesn’t work in my relationship, nor would I want it.

Unlike punishment, discipline for me is more than a single act. It’s about structure, safety, freedom (within that structure) and knowing expectations, and also a sense of being looked after. Of being seen that way. It’s also about obedience and very specifically, about not being in control – actively letting go of control. Maybe even having it taken away – being reminded I am not in control. I am not the driver and short of the discussions and consent that’s already been given, what form discipline takes, is not up to me. Discipline can be present and very real, without any real-life involvement. It’s not about being in “trouble” but rather being held to high standards and having that reinforced with spanking, etc. Positive discipline, especially in the absence of any sort of misbehavior, is a good and grounding experience for me. It makes me feel cared for, seen, looked after. It reminds me that I am not too old or too big to be taken over a lap and soundly spanked. It is an opportunity for me to let go of the control I normally have and get out of my own head. The uniform helps a lot with this, but is not a requirement for me. It’s more formal, but I love those more casual moments of discipline as well that somehow work into the everyday.

How can it be real but not about real-life? A good example is when I wrote lines for someone recently. The line wasn’t a punishment, it was a mindful writing task (and a meaningful meditation, in a way). It was about connection and being fully myself, a little vulnerable. There were expectations while I was in uniform completing this task and falling short of those, brought on consequences. It was about capturing that feeling, without real misbehavior or (worse, for me), bratting which can feel like manipulation. It was really lovely and I am not sure I’d have believed it could work before that experience, but it felt more right than any kink thing had in a long time. It’s not all of my kink, but it felt like finding a puzzle piece that had been missing. One I was kind of in denial about.

When I was a child, there was no room for normal childhood misbehavior (I’ve mentioned this before also!) – I was too genuinely afraid of getting in trouble and had a lot of anxiety about it (despite my clear and present spanking thoughts). Discipline for me draws from childhood, but is not about pretending to be a child – although I do call my husband daddy, I am not an age player personally and that comes back to connection and nurturing as well. I want to feel like a little girl – like someone subject to authority. There’s a sense when you’re a child who doesn’t require a lot of supervision, who follows the rules, and does what you’re told, that you’re invisible. You can more or less get by doing good enough because no one expects poor grades or bad behavior from you. You always do what you’re told and don’t require much attention. You can easily slip through the cracks or feel like you are. I had three brothers with behavioral problems who were constantly getting bad attention and I was just being ignored. With discipline, however, I can get the kind of attention (ie. the kind of spanking) that a naughty girl would get, without having been naughty. Now, I don’t believe in CP for real life children but what works for me in terms of discipline is linked very strongly to my own childhood and is all rooted there for me. This story by Haron, is an excellent exploration of this concept, by the way! Feeling invisible and moving through the world unnoticed, but wanting attention, wanting someone to remember you. It’s lovely and well written.

Like I mentioned, discipline is so much more than just spanking though and the headspace is critical for me. Discipline can include a lot of other things besides spanking (including things I don’t have a lot of experience with but am eager to try): writing lines or essays, corner time, mouth soaping, being on display (bottom bare over the back of a sofa or end of a bed perhaps?), having my panties taken away for any of the above, and so much more. This is also where discovering uniform discipline comes in for me. I still want to make a specific post about uniforms, but the uniform itself – formal, strict (snug collar, starched shirt, smartly pressed skirt/gymslip, stiff shoes), regulation, not at all a fashion accessory or adjacent, but real – is a form of discipline. The spanking doesn’t have to be hard or severe because tone and headspace play such a big role in discipline for me. Giving up control in so many ways, is key, and all of these things require giving up control – physically, yes, but also mentally. I’m not in physical control when I am being spanked but not choosing the kind of spanking or when it stops, but following instructions and doing what I am told require mindful listening and true obedience. There is a lot of freedom in that – though it can be hard. There is a lot of value in being good and obedient when it’s not so easy, especially when you’re used to being good and overlooked because of it. It’s not about perfection, but letting go of the control of being in charge of myself and trusting someone else with it for a little while.

A discipline dynamic that’s more formal isn’t something I have experience with. Although fully a spanko, my husband gets discipline a lot less than other aspects of my kink and it’s not his. The concept of a maintenance spanking works better for his head so we’ve been dabbling in that lately – a weekly check in, a not-so-fun kind of spanking that is meant to make me feel disciplined and seen but isn’t a punishment for anything. It’s hard to be consistent with this, given we have a child and don’t always have a lot of privacy, so I am not sure how it’ll continue to work or look like, in the future. These are also not the types of spankings my husband prefers to give! He doesn’t like hurting me, he has no sadistic streak, and that’s ok because there are lots of other ways I enjoy being spanked that he likes to spank me. Patience is not a particularly strong or well developed skill of mine, but I am enjoying our new explorations there, as well.

I promise, soon, I am going to write about the uniform. It just feels like a topic that’s so in my head, I don’t know how to get it out into words. I will have a chance to wear my uniform in person soon, and maybe after that it’ll be easier to write about.

-M