I have been asked a lot recently, what happened to talking about uniforms, posting photos, etc. This is a difficult one, I’m afraid. Uniforms are indelibly linked to discipline for me, which as I’ve written about, is not necessarily about real life things or punishment, but more of a broad structure, that is very real, but can stand on its own. Since letting uniform/discipline come to the front of my mind, acknowledging it, gaining a context and vocabulary for it, I’ve only felt safe enough to explore it with one person (Elephant). I have tried wearing my uniforms on my own, for me (and I had hoped/thought with time I would be able to do that more and have it be meaningful) but it always felt a little off somehow – I needed more time & practice basically. Last October, for complicated reasons that will not be made public fodder by me, he made it clear he wouldn’t be available for any sort of play for the foreseeable future. We didn’t only play with uniforms/discipline, but I only did those things with him.
I used to keep all my uniforms (along with our toys) in an armoire in my office/guestroom since it’s a Kids Free Zone generally. After that conversation, I did a much needed clear out of my actual closet upstairs, and moved my uniform things up there. I did this because seeing them, knowing they were next to me as I worked every day and how badly I wanted to be told to wear one, know someone – even from afar, had told me to – the impact on my ability to focus surprised even me. Anyway, it was just too much for them to be nearby. In contrast, I hardly go into my upstairs closet as it mostly holds dresses and acts as storage. All my knickers, ties, shirts, my M&S school shoes and DMs, in they went.
Out of sight was not out of mind, as uniform & discipline still felt so present in my head, alongside all my other spanking thoughts and fantasies. Now though? I can’t think about it without getting emotional and crying. The sense that this thing that I finally finally finally acknowledged and allowed myself to cherish is something I may not be able to recapture, because it’s so tied to someone who seems to be uninterested in friendship with me, let alone any sort of play. The reality is, I don’t know if this person still sees me this way, feels the connection we had in the same way, or wants it now or would it in the future, let alone if any of it is repairable.
So right now I’m in a sort of odd state of grief, and the uniforms are simply reminders of that, and I am also grieving feeling like I’ve lost them. I have sold a few items and I’ll likely sell the rest when I am ready. Kink things can be so deep and personal.
As for wearing them? It’s both all I can think about and the last possible thing I can wrap my head around.
-M
Thank you for sharing this. Although I’ve never been in a situation as you describe, I could feel your pain and confusion over how to deal with it and, in that way share it with you. Your writing drew me in.
Larry
The unknowns are truly the hardest part – where do I go with this? What do I do with it? What lasting damage will be done by being ghosted in relation to something that’s so meaningful/vulnerable to me? Thanks for stopping by, good to see you here!
It takes a “special” kind of hurtful person to ghost someone – it’s cruel and selfish and, IMO, a person who feels that it isn’t necessary to explain themself to anyone.
I wish I could stop by more often because I’m never disappointed when I do.
It takes a “special” kind of hurtful person to ghost someone – it’s cruel and selfish and, IMO, a person who feels that it isn’t necessary to explain themself to anyone.
I wish I could stop by more often because I’m never disappointed when I do.
I think what I am also wrestling with is that this person isn’t who I thought they were for 18 years, they’ve changed drastically, or something bad is happening. And I don’t want to grapple with what any of those mean. I have to, of course, but it’s just all really hard and impact on my sense of self is significant. I wish it wasn’t. I’m like, ok and safe and all that – just having a really hard time with it all.
Happy to have you here when I can! <3
It sounds as if you’re trying to ascertain if it was your fault that they acted the way they did and ghosted you. It was a cold, chicken-shit thing to do to you, or to anyone, and I can see how it might appear that they have changed. I had something similar happen, not a ghosting, but a realization that a person wasn’t at all what they pretended to be and that I have been tricked for five or six years. When their true self emerged, I felt stupid that I hadn’t seen the truth all that time.
I mean, I do feel like it’s my fault for not seeing the manipulation at first. I expected it from her, after a while, but I was caught up in wishful thinking and didn’t see it from him. Now I feel stupid and foolish and like I got what I deserved for trusting someone with the most vulnerable parts of myself.