I have my April book round up post in the works – I didn’t forget. It’s just that May has been very busy. Ever heard of the month of May being called “Maycember” for folks with kids? It’s because it’s so near the end of school that it often feels like the business of December/the holiday season. We’ve had a piano recitals, birthday parties, field trips, and lots of other goings on. I am also not being spanked so it’s pretty boring.

Kink feels so far away lately. When it’s lacking, I feel disconnected from myself and my identity, on top of my friendships. I’ve been struggling. I have, annoyingly, been having nightmares about Firefly, which is fun. Then heartbreaking dreams about Elephant. My sleep is absolutely shot between those and the other insecurities and frustrations invading my headspace. This has been a complicated year, so far. I’ve spent a lot of it sad and hurt and now spend a lot of it frustrated and angry with myself, back to square one with being unable to trust myself, my wants, my needs, anything. I haven’t attended parties, I’m barely participating in online spaces. I don’t see a point. Making myself vulnerable in this context is too risky.