Safe words & Discipline: how do they work?

Recently on a Discord server I am a member of, the QOTD was about safe words, how people use them, when people use them, etc. and the topic of safe words during discipline/punishment came up fairly quickly. I don’t think there was a single person who said safe words weren’t appropriate even for “real life” punishments/discipline, including me. However, I had a slightly different take than some others, because of how I do discipline. These days, I am not playing casually with anyone really, even at the few parties I am going to, but I wouldn’t hesitate to safe word if a spanking/implement/whatever, didn’t work for me. I also rarely do real-life punishments and when I do, it’s primarily from me, so I haven’t had reason to stop it. But would I safe word with a trusted, well-negotiated play partner?

Yes, but not how you might think.

The close, trusted people I play with (of which there really are only a small handful) are people I’ve talked extensively with about what I want, what they want, what works, etc. They are people who are experienced, who know me (for over a decade!), and who I often have negotiated CNC (consensual non-consent) scenarios with. I know plenty of people who would safe word if they didn’t like a spanking or if the spanking felt like too much. I don’t think I would use my safe word this way (unless it was casual play that was going too far) – I never have – because a lot of this for me, is about not being in control. It’s difficult to capture that sense of being truly not in control of the spanking/discipline, if I can stop it. That doesn’t mean I can’t stop it. I have no doubt that every single one of these trusted play partners would respect my use of my safe word if I did use it but not liking it is sort of the point. However, I’d likely be disappointed in myself if I used it in that way, given what I want – and I’ve spent a long time thinking about this thing I want and talking about it, being vulnerable with people about it, so I trust that they are going to stay within the boundaries we’ve discussed and within those, I am not in charge. I don’t want the deciding in the moment to be up to me. We can talk later if something didn’t work, but unless it’s harmful in the moment, I’m not going to stop something that’s unpleasant and knowing I won’t, is how it works.

That’s to say, I wouldn’t use my safe word because I disliked something. That doesn’t mean it’s not ok for others to use theirs in that way – it’s important everyone know the circumstances in which they would, discuss this with their partner, and be clear about consent and expectations. That said, “like” is complicated. I don’t like the ebony hairbrush for example. It’s a deep, thuddy, and yet somehow sharply stingy pain, all at once, that completely overwhelms my senses and I can’t get a grasp on it – in other words, for me, it’s perfect for feeling not in control of a spanking and accessing that letting go point. I think and fantasize about it all the time. I want it. I need it.

There are things like that, on the table that work very well for accessing a vulnerable headspace for me, that I don’t like but are not hard limits. Hard limits are things I would never even negotiate into a scene and doing them would be a violation of my consent, trust, and our friendship. I have essentially presented the knowledge for getting into my head, shared what works for me, and liking it in the moment, is not necessary and sometimes, not liking it and accepting it or being forced to, is sort of the point. I’ll like the closeness that kind of vulnerability creates; chances are I’ll like thinking about it later; I’ll enjoy the pride that comes with doing something hard and coming out on the other side; I’ll enjoy my partners enjoyment in my discomfort and their taking me to that vulnerable place and bringing me back. There is comfort in that.

I would however safe word if I was experiencing a physical emergency. The only time I’ve ever actually used mine (actually, I used the universal RED) was when I was having trouble catching my breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I needed a moment. We continued when I felt better. I would absolutely use my safe word if I was experiencing similar or if I was going to be sick, needed a bathroom urgently, etc. Right now, that’s what works for me. The safe word is always there, but how and when I would use it, feels very specific.

I had a recent experience where I considered safe wording. It wasn’t from spanking but something CP adjacent that I had a previously traumatic experience with. During the ten minutes when I was struggling with obedience, I considered that I could use my safe word. I had a bit of an internal conversation: Do I feel unsafe? No. Am I scared? No, just nervous. Would I be happy with myself if I decided I didn’t want to do this? Definitely not. Once I clarified all that in my head, it was easier to obey, which is what I wanted to do. Feeling unsafe, truly scared and not just nervous, like I’d be happier if I didn’t do something – those are all good reasons not to do something. In the end, I was proud of myself for doing the hard thing and it was as vulnerable and heady as I had hoped – I’m glad I took the time to check in with myself and I am also glad I did not safe word. The reason I could do that was because I knew I could trust this person.

I enjoy playing physically intensely so I’ve also never considered safe wording from that perspective – it’s just never come up because despite playing much more at parties in the past, I was still quite careful about who I played with. That’s not to say the need to safe word holds any moral value, I think I’m just much less likely to get into situations where I want to stop what’s going on, because I tend to play with people I’ve already talked extensively to. Hopefully unexpected physical needs/emergencies continue to be rare and my trusted play partners continue to respect my limits. I have been curious if there is a physical point I’d get to where I would safe word. I don’t mind – and in fact very much enjoy – being marked and I want to feel not-in-control of when the intensity stops, so I am unsure what sort of benchmark I’d use or need to get to that point.

The safe word is always there, even if someone – like me – has a guide of how they’ll use it. Using it during discipline or real-life punishment if what is going on isn’t working for you, is just as valid as my approach. As with most parts of TTWD, there are as many ways to do it as there are people doing it.

Oh, my safe word is bananas.

-M