This is a piece I wrote to explain my headspace around line writing (in October 2023), so I’ve lightly edited it to make it “public” facing, but it’s something I think about often, since lines (and essays!) are a significant component of the real-but-not-real-life discipline I’ve done. Lines are not unheard of in the spanking community, but the person I have written lines for, has expectations for them. Expectations that make the act itself structure and discipline, not simply busy work – though they could theoretically also be used as a consequence, I don’t have experience with that (yet!). This was written after the first time I wrote some lines on my own and in a much less formal situation, but before the first time I wrote lines for real, which was pretty cool and came a few weeks later.
o0o
I had never written lines before until last week and found I didn’t entirely dislike it. I actually enjoyed the physical act, given a penchant for stationary and school supplies, as well as hand-writing things. As an English major, I had ample opportunity to hand write notes, paper outlines, notations in books, etc. but what I was writing wasn’t necessarily for me. It was all sort of a necessity and I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t about me, it was about my work. When I was in elementary and high school, I used to write my name out (or the names of my crushes, as it were) over and over and over, not fantasizing like most other girls were, but as a sort of exercise – almost a meditation. I would draw repetitive shapes for similar reasons. Like many people into spanking, my earliest fantasies especially, were full of all kinds of corporal punishment adjacent things: scolding, mouth soaping, writing lines, corner time. I think all of it, comes back to feeling very little or young (like a child), very chastised, disciplined, and taken care of. There is something to be said for doing something that is not for fun, but because someone has told to you to (‘whether you like it or not’).
Of course, within the umbrella of consensual non-consent (which is where all of this lies for me – having given someone a sort of umbrella of consent already and obeying instructions within that) I’ve already consented to granting someone, a partner, a friend, a guardian (as a child it was always a father figure that I simply couldn’t picture and didn’t have a frame of reference for, having never had a father in my life) that kind of control, and ultimately, want them to use it. Even when I don’t. Perhaps, especially when I don’t. It is at the core of my desires to be told to do something that I may not want to do – not having control over it. Even if it’s not something painful (like a spanking) or even uncomfortable.
In that sense, writing lines seems so simple. I recall someone years ago lamenting in a blog or somesuch that they felt writing lines was a pointless exercise because “the worst that happens is your hand cramps” but I never saw it like that. For one, I thought even if your hand does cramp, physical discomfort is such a part of what many of us do, so wouldn’t that be a good thing? Also, I can write for a reasonable amount of time without my hand hurting, but I think needing to take a break, stretch your fingers, but having to stay seated at your desk/table, thinking about the lines, is part of it. Sure, I can take a break, my hand doesn’t have to hurt, but I am going to sit there until they’re done, with no fun distractions and then they’ll be checked. Though, if I was given a time limit to, for example, prevent dawdling and procrastinating (things I am prone to), and my hand ached a little from the effort – would that be a bad thing? Not for me, no. If I am given a hard spanking, I don’t see the physical discomfort as a bad thing – in fact, it’s part of the point (others being to feel like a little girl who needs to be spanked like a little girl over the knee, also losing physical control, but I digress, this is about the lines!) Perhaps I’d be scolded about how maybe my hand hurting will help me remember what I’d written even better than the repetition.
Recently when I had the impulse to write lines, it was primarily internal. I bought a notebook that says on the spine: A fine disregard for the rules. This is decidedly not the attitude of a good girl (which I am!) but a cheeky girl. I (jokingly) suggested this as a funny option for writing lines. I was firmly scolded for being cheeky and felt chastised – and vulnerable (and that was simply in text! Words are powerful – it hit the mark for me, so to speak. It worked. It felt good). Choosing to write some lines in response to that, that was a good girl impulse. It felt good, it felt right, and it felt a bit submissive. Why did I feel vulnerable over this? Because of the more broad conversation surrounding it, admitting that I am a good girl who still needs (wants?) to be spanked and disciplined, instead of just a naughty girl who might play at getting spanked for silly things. There’s vulnerability in honesty.
This was born out of a larger conversation of not needing to be cheeky to get a spanking and/or attention. Though this isn’t true for everyone. For some, their desire to spank or be spanked is directly connected to a bottom who instead of asking “Will you spank me and make me feel like a naughty little girl?” instead engages in bratty or sassy or cheeky behavior. It’s a song and dance, a tale as old as time, as familiar to many a spanko as looking up ‘spanking’ in the dictionary as soon as they could read. Although this sort of engagement is very appealing to many – including my husband for whom spanking is much more an expression of sexuality, sex, and playfulness – it’s not to all, though to be honest, I’ve only met a few of these spankers who dislike it. However much I myself don’t actually enjoy it, I do tend towards cheeky banter and sharp one liners, especially with spanking friends, often with the hopes that one will get me spanked by someone specific. It’s also more of a personality trait so it can be overwhelming for me to socialize with other people into spanking who might be operating on the wavelength of this banter being a sort of consent dance to get spanked. I may think I am having a witty and playful conversation with someone and they may think I am asking to be spanked. I don’t think there is anything wrong with these spankings or this kind of back-and-forth negotiation, it has it’s place, and I even like it sometimes, but right now, I’m considering a different type of play.
Back to the notebook. In the wake of being scolded and reminded that I don’t need to be cheeky to be spanked but probably could use the reminder of a thoroughly smacked bottom, I cracked it open and articulated a concept that feels right but also kind of foreign to me:
I will not be cheeky to get attention.
I wasn’t told to do this, but it was an impulse that felt right – it felt groundbreaking to say it “out loud” so to speak. I only wrote a few lines, but later was gently instructed to complete the page of them. This wasn’t formal or planned, but the phrase came from me and was meaningful, more of an affirmation than any sort of consequence. It feels like an affirmation because it touches on a vulnerability; the vulnerability of being good and being deserving of discipline because of that. No naughtiness required.
It felt like a reminder to myself, a reminder that this habit of being cheeky is not necessary. A sort of, rest assured, you will be spanked especially because you’re a good girl and need the attention, not because you’re being naughty and begging for it. That’s pretty powerful. I do affirmations with my daughter, I have her repeat “I am smart. I am kind. I am brave. I am beautiful because I am kind.” (people remark on her hair a lot, comments I got a lot as a kid too, and she’s formed the habit of asking if her hair is beautiful – so I’ve started telling her she is beautiful because she is kind inside, and her hair is just a bonus).
I experienced these lines similarly to those affirmations. Yes, I had been scolded for being cheeky and the lines were a response to that, but it wasn’t “I will not be cheeky.” or “I will be a good girl” but rather an affirmation to myself, a reminder that being good is ok – preferred actually. It’s a hard habit to break and I’ll probably never stop bantering with people, but in terms of the kind of spankings I so badly want, it’s one stepping stone along the way of being a good girl who needs and deserves attention vs a naughty girl who demands it/provokes it (this may not be the best phrasing but it’s so much work to be naughty or bratty from the bottom perspective and it always left me feeling bad – I know some people enjoy that in their play and it works for them but for those who don’t, I imagine this feels demanding and exhausting to deal with). And I quite like that.
I can see myself writing these exact lines in the future, as another affirmation exercise, but even as a consequence or meditation or just a mindful task, I think being given lines to write, can be powerful for similar reasons. It gets into my head and forces me to think about whatever it is (in the first case, seeking attention with bratty behavior) and is a focused, calm, quiet, and physical effort, that requires some discipline to do. Something most of my days lack. To set aside time without a computer, phone, or other distractions, to be told to do it, is very powerful for me. It’s perhaps not as all consuming as the control you give up when someone puts you across their lap, holds you firmly, and bares your bottom for a thorough spanking, and yet, it leaves my body feeling similarly. Sure, I could write affirmations whenever I want, but the vulnerability that comes with this context, brings comfort with it. I think being given lines as a consequence also, one that might even be a little embarrassing, touching on other vulnerabilities, is also appealing. I don’t have an idea or context for this, but I’ve thought about it.
It’s very comforting, knowing I don’t have to be cheeky to get attention. Now I have 38 (mostly) neatly written lines in an entirely too cheeky notebook, sitting on my desk, to remind me of that. Examining my behavior or thoughts (in this case, cheeky language/behavior and using it as a means to get attention) through repetitive, written, affirmation, really got into my head in the best way.
Oh, and I bought a proper notebook, for next time.
o0o
I’m not going to share the line I wrote a few weeks after this, that was my first true experience writing lines assigned by someone, but it was a lovely afternoon spent in a strict uniform (my first time!), being very much not in control. I wrote it 100 times (well, more since I had to cross out any that I identified as not acceptable and re-write them in the moment) and it took me about an hour and I was watched and seen the whole time. The line itself felt personal and special and I thought about what it meant the whole time I was writing. I thought about the conversations that brought me to that moment of actually doing it, the openness and vulnerability that took to get there, what it would be like to do it in person, what other kind of lines I might write in the future – what it might be like to write lines as a consequence vs a mindful exercise. It was soothing, in a way. Just me, my lines, and him – being seen, not alone, supervised, doing something meaningful, mindfully.
Now, it’s an emotionally intense experience because of the (good) headspace and I look forward to the times when discipline includes lines!
-M
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