Although I have deactivated all my kink social media, I still have vanilla accounts for work that I can lurk a bit from, but clearly not engage from. This blog is inspired by a Bluesky thread, and this person has commented here before so with any luck, he’ll see it.
In it, the original poster (OP) initially talks about the dance of less explicit consent negotiations and then later, the point during a spanking which he derives great pleasure from. He comes to it in the middle of the thread, “What is that moment? It’s the very moment when, for want of a better, word, the spanked girl becomes “frantic.” That moment when the spanking has tipped over some threshold–perhaps of physical intensity, but just as often emotional or psychological impact–and her breath catches, and the tone of her vocalizations takes a sharp turn, and the rollercoaster has topped the hill and started down. […] But I admit, for better or worse, that–for me–that moment, that very instant, when she feels or recognizes that she is out of control, that the spanks are coming and she cannot stop them, that maybe in this moment this is more than she bargained for (even if in anticipation and retrospect she realizes that it was just wanted)–that is the sharpest, most intensely pleasurable moment.” and he goes on to muse about whether this makes him a psychological sadist.
To which, I, squirming, thinking about that exact moment myself, think – with a gentle grin, yes, yes it does, and what a lucky girl indeed.
You see, that frantic moment, that panic, is a point that many tops don’t have any desire in either reaching or pushing beyond because it does require a touch of sadism, in both my opinion and my experience. No judgement to those who don’t want to go there, because our kinks are ours but they’re not really our own in the sense that we can pick and choose what works for us. I don’t like the idea that we are stuck with them but rather that these are parts of us that we have to hold, think about, live, care for, nurture even. That moment though, that is also the sharpest, most intensely pleasurable moment for me, as well. I wonder how many spanko bottoms desire something like this? Many don’t want to be pushed to losing control like that, it doesn’t work for them – and I don’t just mean physical control.
The letting go in that moment is so much more than the physical control and is a fundamental letting go emotionally. It’s difficult because it requires a lot of trust. I do see a lot of – mostly female or female-identifying – bottoms saying they want to experience this loss of control, especially crying during a spanking, that true moment of letting go and giving up control, but the combination of trust, vulnerability, physical intensity (for some), and headspace required can take a lot. I admit it probably isn’t true for everyone that this is difficult to achieve, but in all the conversations I’ve had, this has been true. It feels like a serendipitous moment – you can create the right conditions for it – facilitate it, but you can’t force it to happen. It’ll always be meaningful to find someone with whom you can try, but it really does take just the right circumstances to bring about. Now, if/once you find the right person, and have the chance to set up the right conditions, I think it’s possible to build a trust that allows for it to happen organically and easily, maybe even often.
That’s one of the hunts for me, though – that moment of realization that I am frantic, panicking, asking for it to stop (remember, no is not my safeword!), maybe even begging, reaching back, kicking, and knowing that it won’t stop until my partner is good and ready (and being able to trust that this won’t cross the line into too much), is a spanking nirvana moment for me. I don’t want this with just anyone though. It’s not something I’ve ever gotten from casual play or sought out causally. In fact, I’ve guarded it so closely that I’ve only experienced it with three people I think? My husband being the third.
I’ve been doing this thing we do more than 18 years though, and I’ve only captured it a handful of times, but every single time, it’s been worth every bit of vulnerable effort it took to get.
I’m pleased to see other people talking about it! This is exactly the type of conversation I’ve wanted to have by returning to blogging. I’m curious if other bottoms want to be taken to – and beyond – this point? For the tops, is getting to this point difficult, easy, it depends?
-M
Thank you for sharing this provocative and insightful post, my friend! This moment that you describe, that one where as the spankee you suddenly realize that you are absolutely NOT in control, that bit of panic and fear, is one that I have been fantasizing and chasing ever since I experienced it the first time. With that moment, at least in my experience, comes total freedom from everything else. It is in those moments that I get to experience the freedom from having to always be in control, or always managing my life. In those moments, I get to just be a submissive girl, a girl who is being looked after in a very important way by a dominant man. I feel incredibly vulnerable and alive in these moments. The pain of the spanking feels well worth it to this girl <3
It’s so nice to talk about this with other people who share this desire! It can be hard to describe or be understood sometimes, but the connection in that vulnerability is worth it all. The pain, well, can’t say I dislike it either 🙂 an acute reminder of being cared for and looked after, and for me dealt with.
Speaking from the other side of the bottom so-to-speak, it has been my experience that the majority of submissives I have spoken with or interacted with are in the same position as you, Marie. They search for the one they can trust to just take them past that point and into the lovely realm beyond.
Doing so is a large responsibility on the dominant because it is up to them to make sure and take care of the submissive in this highly vulnerable state. It’s why aftercare is so vitally important to remember and prepare. It goes beyond just a simply hug and a pat on the head or the bottom.
To me, this is the true gift of submission. To allow me to take her past the point-of-no-return and trust me to still love her even as I enjoy her tears, sobs, and whimpers. Thank you for articulating this so well. It’s a brave thing to do and much appreciated by those of us who sometimes feel a need to apologize for that touch of sadism.
I do think many people want to experience this true giving up of control, submitting, but I maintain that the foundation needed for it can be hard to find – or scary in its vulnerability. But the reason I wrote this – inspired by that thread, is because it’s not the first time I’ve seen a top who also wants it, seemingly apologize for that desire for a touch of sadism, to push past the societal expectation of not “hurting” someone, and getting there – if it’s all discussed and consensual of course!
It does take a great deal of communication and trust which takes time and effort on both parts. Agreed.
Love the way you express this.
I think the idea of sadistic enjoyment, and masochistic enjoyment, at that, are often things spankos don’t like to talk about because it tends to be language more generally associated with BDSM more broadly – but I think we do a disservice by not talking about this!
What makes that ‘exact moment’ THE exact moment, is the question I’ve often pondered. It feels as though the core of it all; as if divining why it is what it is, would fully reveal why one is so drawn to spanking? There seems to me an undenial link between a specific strong emotion(s), feelings, and the desire to spank or be spanked. The attraction itself for many, is that emotion, that moment; far more than the tactile or physical elements of spanking… though those certainly may be triggers and pathways.
Yes, absolutely, *most* often, that letting go is connected to the emotional. That’s not to say pain can’t work on its own, but even when it’s primarily pain driven, there is likely headspace involved. There’s so many moving parts and ways for it to happen, what I’ve written about isn’t the only or the primary – just the one I *know* best.