R/L: Defiance in Action

[note – all dialogue is paraphrased – except for that line about smacking my legs – stuff like that sticks in my head!]

This was written in October of 2024. For lots of complicated reasons, I haven’t been able to post it until now, but it’s about real-life play that really hit a deep and vulnerable part of me. It was really meaningful and special at the time so I wanted to write about it. Enough time has passed that I feel comfortable sharing it now. I’ve edited some of it for tense, and to protect the persons privacy, but mostly left it as it was at the time.

I’ve written about defiance before – how it manifests, why, how it’s different from the manipulation of bratting for me. It’s as honest an act and feeling as obedience, when it shows up – and my mood was ripe for it in Las Vegas in 2024. Saturday was especially difficult for me. It was a day I had expected to be able to fully engage with my friends and the party (even after COVID, since I’d tested negative twice), and I couldn’t. I was emotionally raw, tired, frustrated, and decidedly not in control of the situation in any way, shape, or form. I was also cranky about it. I had FOMO.

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Where art thou, uniforms?

I have been asked a lot recently, what happened to talking about uniforms, posting photos, etc. This is a difficult one, I’m afraid. Uniforms are indelibly linked to discipline for me, which as I’ve written about, is not necessarily about real life things or punishment, but more of a broad structure, that is very real, but can stand on its own. Since letting uniform/discipline come to the front of my mind, acknowledging it, gaining a context and vocabulary for it, I’ve only felt safe enough to explore it with one person (Elephant). I have tried wearing my uniforms on my own, for me (and I had hoped/thought with time I would be able to do that more and have it be meaningful) but it always felt a little off somehow – I needed more time & practice basically. Last October, for complicated reasons that will not be made public fodder by me, he made it clear he wouldn’t be available for any sort of play for the foreseeable future. We didn’t only play with uniforms/discipline, but I only did those things with him.

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Consistency and Expectations without a formal dynamic…

[A short announcement before we commence to my own writing – I help admin a discord server called The Woodshed Initiative and we’ve recently put together a community blog. You can check us out there and there are also instructions for joining the server (open to all!)!]

[Another oldie – I wrote this last September and am only now posting it – so it’s present tense just so I didn’t have to go change the whole post. Instead of using initials, which could be less protective, I am using the name Elephant to protect the privacy of this person. Also, it’s all past tense and none of it is current – I simply don’t have the energy or desire to rewrite the post.]

I joke with my friends when they talk about their tops and scene relationships, that I am unsupervised. This is true, in the sense of a formal kink dynamic. I don’t have someone that is my top or my disciplinarian in that sense. My husband feels adamantly (and I agree for the most part) that our relationship not be a dynamic, specifically not a discipline dynamic, because we have to do life together. Discipline is also not the most genuine manifestation of his own spanking fetish, so he’s not drawn towards it. He prefers spanking more for fun or as power exchange. I still crave discipline, though. It is, unfortunately for my reality, the most genuine expression of my own kink. I do love less formal and more casual spankings – just because, because he can, because he wants to, as an expression of affection, comfort, connection – but discipline is still up there. Would I like a formalized dynamic? Yes. It would be disingenuous to say I wouldn’t, but it’s unlikely to happen. Being play partners is great, don’t get me wrong – I am not down on that dynamic at all. It’s absolutely special and meaningful, but it’s not the same kind of commitment, although I’d argue there is commitment there. A commitment to talk and be open and honest, etc.

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