[A short announcement before we commence to my own writing – I help admin a discord server called The Woodshed Initiative and we’ve recently put together a community blog. You can check us out there and there are also instructions for joining the server (open to all!)!]
[Another oldie – I wrote this last September and am only now posting it – so it’s present tense just so I didn’t have to go change the whole post. Instead of using initials, which could be less protective, I am using the name Elephant to protect the privacy of this person. Also, it’s all past tense and none of it is current – I simply don’t have the energy or desire to rewrite the post.]
I joke with my friends when they talk about their tops and scene relationships, that I am unsupervised. This is true, in the sense of a formal kink dynamic. I don’t have someone that is my top or my disciplinarian in that sense. My husband feels adamantly (and I agree for the most part) that our relationship not be a dynamic, specifically not a discipline dynamic, because we have to do life together. Discipline is also not the most genuine manifestation of his own spanking fetish, so he’s not drawn towards it. He prefers spanking more for fun or as power exchange. I still crave discipline, though. It is, unfortunately for my reality, the most genuine expression of my own kink. I do love less formal and more casual spankings – just because, because he can, because he wants to, as an expression of affection, comfort, connection – but discipline is still up there. Would I like a formalized dynamic? Yes. It would be disingenuous to say I wouldn’t, but it’s unlikely to happen. Being play partners is great, don’t get me wrong – I am not down on that dynamic at all. It’s absolutely special and meaningful, but it’s not the same kind of commitment, although I’d argue there is commitment there. A commitment to talk and be open and honest, etc.
Something that is difficult to capture outside of a formalized dynamic like that, though, is expectation and consistency. Most of my play partners in the past have been casual – we played at parties, when our paths crossed, etc. Sometimes it was physically intense, but rarely was it emotionally or psychologically intense. There was no expectation outside of that moment and even in the moment, it was informal. Somehow, Elephant and I are able to capture this sense of consistency and expectation without a formal dynamic. We do discipline together and in those moments he is my disciplinarian, in control, but outside of that, there is no expectation of authority or supervision. I think this works because we’ve had a lot of in depth conversations about this.
Despite this, it’s still caught me off guard when he has consistent expectations for obedience and mindfulness during discipline. I don’t intentionally push on these, but again – it can take time to internalize those expectations and realize the person is going to be consistent every time. He is consistent every time. He has clear expectations for corner time, what it means to be obedient (do as your told – not more, not less), what a smart uniform constitutes, how he expects my tie to be tied. How things are with him.
But how does this work in practice? The very first time he spanked me it was rather informal – I was in jeans – and he told me he was going to take them down as I stood in front of him and I was not allowed to help. I was not in control so all I had to do was be present. I am fairly sure he told me to put my hands on my head, but it’s possible they were behind my back. He unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans (why is this always so embarrassing?) and pulled them right down to my knees. He took a moment, then began tugging my panties down to join them. Fuck. I was blushing and closed my eyes. I’m not shy but there’s something to be said for being bared to be spanked over someone’s knee – especially for the first time. As they do, my panties got stuck a bit on the way down, between my legs. I shifted, helping them get by. I froze.
He turned me to the side and I whimpered a bit.
“I don’t even have to say it, do I?”
I didn’t respond.
“What did you do?”
“Helped.”
And he smacked the backs of my thighs – just once each, but hard enough for me to be surprised by it. This was the first time my thighs had ever been smacked and I remember feeling surprised also that the first time he smacked me was this! But that’s how it is. That’s the consequence for disobedience and even though this was a less formal moment, that expectation was still there.
I was reminded of all the conversations we’d had about obedience and what it means and how much of my experience getting spanked (vast as it was) still had me in control and was down to habit and anticipating instructions. Truly giving up control and being mindfully obedient means slowing down and listening, first and foremost.
There was another moment like this in Vegas for us.
On Friday, he came to spend some time with me and asked if he could spank me – we both wore N95 masks. I said I’d like that and hoped some actual connection might make me feel better. After I had already been over his lap and been spanked over my panties, he stood me up. He told me to step out of my panties after he had taken them all the way down. I was facing away from him with my hands on my head, and I turned a bit to the right, back towards him, after stepping out. Oops. He had told me to step out of my panties, not to turn around. Before I could register this, he spoke.
“Did I tell you to turn around?” he asked.
I whimpered a bit, knowing, “No, sir.”
“Face that way,” and he pointed to his left. I did, knowing what was coming. That consistent consequence for disobedience. It’s not a big thing, but because it’s not such a big thing, it works. I remember feeling comforted by this moment where despite my recovering from COVID, despite the masks, despite my more fragile emotional state, he expected obedience. That consistency is powerful for my head. I had anticipated what his next instructions might be instead of doing what he’d told me to do.
“Remember, being obedient is about doing what you’re told – not more, not less.”
He smacked the backs of my thighs, harder than he ever had, and more. I think it was five or six on each side and from just bellow my bottom to above my knees. I whimpered and cried out.
“Turn the other way.”
My stomach dropped. He’s not left handed, so it wasn’t so he could use his other hand. I cannot remember if he lifted my dress out of the way himself or told me to.
He smacked the fronts of my thighs, just as much and just as hard, as the backs. Now, he’s smacked the backs before a handful of times – and talked about it a lot. We had talked about the fronts so this wasn’t that kind of surprise. I probably tried to pretend it wasn’t really a thing though. It stung, I was startled, and a bit taken aback by how much it hurt. I loved it, of course. It took over a week for the bruises to fade. I had his handprints vividly visible on my thighs for days. I was stupidly pleased about it, too. I was also somehow at ease after this, knowing the same expectations existed, no matter what.
It doesn’t matter if I’m getting over being sick, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t matter where we are, what I want and what works, is that I am not in control and I do as I am told – not more, not less.
When he put me back over his lap (on a chair – also a first with him) after that, I squirmed because now my stinging sore thighs were touching his jean covered thighs and…whew. It was enough to make me squirm and kick but not an overly hard or serious spanking. Bare hand, bare bottom, all about connection.
I got to go over his lap after on the couch for some much appreciated lotion, rubs, and comfort.
Consistency is key here – the same expectation every single time, regardless of how often you play, where you play, or if you have a dynamic. The expectation is the same every single time.
How do you manage play like this without a dynamic? Or is all your play outside a dynamic more casual?
-M
This sounds really fun and interesting as a way to play! I’ve never played casually with anyone who has that sort of consistency/expectations with me. But I do really like it when it feels like playing with the same person is kinda building on past play. Sometimes that seems to just happen naturally when I really gel with someone and it’s a lot of fun to feel like you have some ‘lore’ even if you’ve only played a few times!
I do think this generally takes time. I’d known this particularly person for 18 years & we talked almost daily for months before finally playing in person for the first time, so there was a lot of history and negotiation to go off of, which I think helps!
I have other less intense relationships with other people – where I sort of know what to expect from them, how they’ll respond to certain things, etc.