How I Want to *Feel*

When I talk about spanking and discipline specifically, I often talk about how I want to feel vs what I want, physically. Yes, the hairbrush, uniform, and the ritual and all the other stuff is important, but ultimately the goal is to achieve a specific feeling. One of being seen and held and cared for – and not just physically, but emotionally as well. This is definitely an oversimplification and the folks I’ve talked about play with get the deeper dive, but I digress. In my recent deep-dive into classic spanking fiction, I was reminded of Larrkin, who was known for his LOTR M/M spanking AU. Much of this wasn’t my thing back in the day to be honest, but is now. Also, I use past-tense not because I know anything you don’t, but because Larrkin hasn’t updated his website or blog in a few years and may not be known by many who read my blog. That said, his stories are still easily accessible.

On his intro page for new readers, he talks a bit about building his AU and why and what it means to him. I know this quote of his has floated around the spanking community for many years so I am not sharing anything groundbreaking, but I think a lot of especially newer spankos probably haven’t seen it. These are words that speak to me, make me feel seen. They just make sense and when I read it, I think “yes, exactly like that”. A few pieces of writing have engendered this feeling in me – several of my favorite stories of course, but also some I have saved on my hard drive that are only archived in the Wayback Machine. But when I think of how I want to feel when it comes to discipline, maintenance, and the like, Larrkin’s words capture it beautifully.

A spanking is not meant to diminish. It is meant to nourish. The unspoken message conveyed to anyone over my knee, hobbit, elf, or man is, ‘I care about you. I am not indifferent to your need, your guilt, your loneliness. I will not walk away. You will not be passed over or ignored. I see you, and I care enough to discipline you.’

It’s a loving act, a trust, and a bond. Indeed, who among us does not suffer the worst anguish possible when our pain goes unheeded, or worse yet, when it is seen, yet dismissed? And who does not need a little attention sometimes simply because they do?

Nourish, care, not being indifferent to need, guilt, or loneliness; how one might feel when these needs are seen, yet dismissed. The acknowledgment that spanking can meet the need to have our pain noticed and handled with care by someone who cares. And perhaps especially that last line, who does not need a little attention sometimes simply because they do?

Who could say it better than that?

-M

That’s Show Biz, Kids!

I asked last week what folks would like to see me writing about and one of my BlueSky followers posed the following question about my time as a spanking model: How did you start doing it, and what are your thoughts about it now, looking back at leaping into it?

This is something I talk about fairly openly to my friends or people that know me, but I am not sure I have ever written about it or mentioned it here – or on most of my blogs since I stopped doing videos – which I only did for a short period during the summer of 2007, and once or twice after that in 2008. I knew I wanted to make spanking videos from the moment I stumbled upon my first, during a clandestine and furtive internet search in the summer of 2001, while I was awake far too late using my grandparents dial up internet. I won’t do the math for you, but I was entirely too young to have both unfettered access to the internet and to be watching porn – but alas, here we are wink. If you’re particularly curious, it was a Dallas video. I was astonished. I came back to his videos as the years went on and eventually saw his videos with Sierra Salem. That’s when I knew I wanted to blog and make videos, also!

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(Kinky) eBay Gambles

I am something of a vintage ebony hairbrush collector. I don’t know why – we only use one of them, because it was a gift from a dear friend, but I enjoy seeing the differences between them, testing them out to see how they feel compared to my “primary” one, etc. They’re also lovely vintage pieces. What’s not to like?! They can vary in size and color because wood is a natural thing, but they are all typically heavy and dense and oh-so-perfect for a very punishing sort of spanking. My meager collection currently only stands at 4.

The problem is, vintage ebony hairbrushes are hard to find in the US and most of the UK listings that are willing to ship to the US, use eBay’s Global Shipping program. This means, there’s a central hub in the UK processing the packages and “ebony” is on a banned list. Finished ebony, especially vintage pieces, are not supposed to be caught in that, but they are. Both myself and a friend have had ebony hairbrushes caught by this and they are NOT returned to sender, but destroyed, and the buyer is refunded. This is now 4 hairbrushes (three coming to me and one for her) that have met that fate. Truly tragic and sad! I’ve had one sent to a UK friend and he’ll bring it over to me in April, but that’s not always practical and I don’t want him to feel used!

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