I’ve talked a lot about how bratting doesn’t work for me in my spanking play but that’s not to discount playfulness. I enjoy teasing my friends and loved ones simply as a display of affection, but what it lacks is provocation. The intent is not to manipulate the person into spanking me but rather, to connect with them. If someone I trusted wanted to whack me in that context, I’d be open to it. So why do I get spanked? Because I like it! I need it. It’s good for me. I am calmer, happier, and better regulated when I am being spanked regularly. I sleep better. I think all of this is true because being spanked makes me feel seen, cared for, loved, taken care of, safe. It’s not that I need it to function – it’s just so much nicer with it in my life. Uniform gives me access to discipline and the mindset/headspace it provides. Obedience is a big part of that uniform discipline but is also ever present, since I don’t only get spanked in uniform.
Obedience typically comes naturally to me when being spanked (or disciplined). It’s an honest and instinctive expression of my trust and submission and I want to be good – being a good girl makes me feel good about myself and tracks with my personality. Being spanked/disciplined/thrashed doesn’t contradict this in my head – I can have/need all of those things without it being a reaction to behavior, but rather to make me feel seen, give me attention, and perhaps just to keep me being a good girl; maybe to show me what happens to naughty girls. That said, it’s not always easy to be obedient. Occasionally (er…often) it comes out as reacting vs thinking: reaching back to protect my bottom because it hurts instead of considering that that will get me restrained and likely spanked harder. Sometimes that manifests as a struggle to be mindful. A good example of this would be recently while in uniform, I touched my collar several times. It wasn’t intentional, in that I did it in disobedience or to provoke, but rather I wasn’t being mindful and aware and touched it absentmindedly because it was uncomfortable.
Another example would be a time when my spanker told me he was going to take my jeans and panties down and I was not allowed to help. Simple enough, right? As he pulled my panties down, they got stuck. Purely out of habit because this is a common occurrence (which is not being mindful!), I sort of…wiggled, a bit. I helped. Yes, this was embarrassing! It hit me immediately, and although this wasn’t discipline (it was actually the first time this person was spanking me, specifically not discipline and not meant to be intense), I knew immediately that I had not been mindfully obedient. In both of these instances, there were consequences for disobedience – my tie was taken away in the first example and replaced with the cardboard/plastic that came with the shirt to keep its shape – this is even more strict and intended to make me more aware of my collar, since I wasn’t being mindful in the first place. In the second example, I was very gently reminded that that wasn’t listening. He didn’t even have to say anything. I knew. So he smacked my thighs for it.
Neither of these is terribly egregious, though not touching my collar is one of my primary rules while in uniform – the other being no adjustments to it without permission (including taking it off). It’s just not allowed. Sometimes this is really easy and I don’t struggle much – it’s uncomfortable, but I leave it be. In this case, it was an appropriate consequence to have my tie taken away, but it hit me rather hard. I was having a bit of a difficult day (mood wise – I had actually had a very productive day) for some reason, and when I realized what the consequence in this case was going to be…I argued. I said I didn’t want to, I don’t like it, I want to wear my tie. I said no. I like the way my uniform looks and feels with the tie. Having it taken away in this context was intended to be impactful and it felt chastising – as it was meant to. I wasn’t happy about it. This, was defiance. Unlike mild disobedience (like responding out of habit, anticipating instructions, etc) defiance is just as honest a feeling as obedience for me. It’s about pushing back against or resisting already established control and having it reasserted. This is a vulnerable place for me. Feeling safe enough to push back on the control you’ve given someone and know they understand what it says about your headspace, is not an insignificant thing. Through my defiance in this instance, he didn’t waiver in his instruction and eventually, I did as I was told.
My first brush with defiance…many years ago, my regular play partner and I were playing at Paddles, a former BDSM club in NYC. I had roommates so this was where most of our play took place but we spent a lot of time with each other outside of kink events and he knows me very well because of it. I typically always put up a bit of a fuss when my panties are taken down once I am already over a lap. After all, it hurts plenty with them up! The reality is, panties block a lot of the sting. Anyway, he took them down and I said my very customary, “no, no, no!” and whining. He told me not to tell him no and something (ahem, defiance) came over me so strongly. I’d never quite felt like that before during a spanking but this is someone I trusted implicitly. I was over his lap and I lifted my head a bit, the set of my jaw obvious even though he couldn’t see my face, and repeated that one word, “No.” He proceeded to spank me even harder and then he rummaged in his bag for an implement, telling me it was none of my business what he was getting. Oh, I liked that. A brush with not being in control. It’s been (literally) 15 years and I remember this spanking vividly, but not the scolding. Just the tone. Eventually he bent me over to strap me with a belt and then took out an implement he’d only ever used to punish me with, before. It was intense but I remember feeling very safe. I knew what to expect from him and trusted him to take care of me. And he did. He dealt with my defiance and maintained control. What a high.
Another time I was getting a bedtime spanking. These were rather nice bedtime spankings – a bit of attention at the end of the day even if I hadn’t been spanked that day and a reinforcement, if I had. They weren’t overly hard, but one night, Paul asked for both of my wrists, to hold them behind my back. I don’t typically mind being restrained and doing as I am told is generally quite easy for me, but I didn’t want to. I was comfortable, I was cozy. Having my wrists held, even if the spanking isn’t that hard, feels a bit different. Not bad – the tone is still perfect for bedtime. I just didn’t want to, so I didn’t. He asked again, and I said no. In a bit of disbelief, he said “Seriously?” and started smacking my thighs until I obeyed his request. I’ll be honest, I was so caught off guard when he said that, I almost laughed. I was, indeed, testing him a bit. It seemed like a safe thing to do and I liked feeling that safe. The smacks to my thighs stung and were very motivating. He continued on my bottom and then took out my ruler and proceeded to smack my thighs with it. A consequence. I hadn’t expected that and kicked quite a bit – and I wasn’t defiant again, but I felt safe and comforted, that it was dealt with and moved on – and I still got lotion after the spanking. And a bedtime story.
It takes a lot of trust to be defiant. I can do this easily with my husband. We’ve been together nearly 11 years and there’s an expectation that something like defiance won’t change anything. I tell him no in the context of a spanking quite often. It’s comforting to have control reasserted. He tells me to take my panties down, go to the corner, assume X position, I refuse. I whine. I tell him to do it himself. Sometimes, I want to be made – or encouraged – to obey. I like that. With my life partner, that feels very right. Also, my husband is rather into defiance. It gives him something to go off of – something to respond to. Driving a scene fully on his own doesn’t work for him and this works for him without the bratting that makes me feel bad. With a new play partner or casual play, it’s not necessarily true that defiance won’t change anything. Maybe they’ll be annoyed. Maybe that’s too much work. Maybe they’ll take your no at face value (even though no is not a safeword). It’s risky. I don’t do much, if any, casual play these days, and I haven’t had a new play partner (that I hadn’t already known for years at least) in over a decade, so that feeling isn’t something I really encounter.
There is freedom in the expectation of obedience. I can let go of being a grown-up that is in complete control, for a little while. Being mindful and getting out of my own head is just plain good for me. I just want to be able to be fully me when I am playing. Most of the time, that is a very obedient good girl. Sometimes, that’s cranky me who needs reassurance, but is still a good girl. Sometimes, it’s defiance and I need that firmly dealt with, all the while knowing I am still a good girl and none of this changes that.
-M
