There was a recent discussion on Fetlife about embarrassment and spanking. The person who posted the status that prompted it, said she had never felt embarrassed about a bare bottom spanking and, the real inspiration for this post here was this particular line, “I don’t really understand the embarrassment narrative.” The good news is, no one else has to get it or understand it, except maybe your spanking partner, if embarrassment works for you. That’s true of all facets of your kink!
I like feeling embarrassment in the context of spanking (and the lead up to it!) and if I am embarrassed (hiding my face, blushing – something I have no physiological control over, squirming) it’s a sign that something is truly resonant for me. In this sense, embarrassment is good for me, even. It’s a sign that the spanker is getting into my head, that I’ve let them. Am I embarrassed to be naked or bare, generally? No. I actually find no shame or embarrassment in being naked and don’t associate it with negative feelings at all – but I also don’t associate being embarrassed in relation to spanking/discipline, as a negative at all. Being fully clothed and being bared for a spanking, by my spanker, in a way where only the necessary bits for spanking (my bottom) are uncovered, is embarrassing. It makes me stomach drop, my heart rate increases, my face gets red. This works for me. I don’t need anyone but my spanker to understand it – and ideally, enjoy it. I like knowing my spanker is enjoying that discomfort (which is still not a negative thing in my mind). Not to mention, the simple fact that it is a feeling that is out of my control works very well for my kink. I don’t feel this with every spanker or during every spanking, but for someone who knows me well and knows what to push on, it simply deepens the connection we get from this.
Being bared for a spanking isn’t embarrassing because I feel insecure about my body but because it makes me feel like a little girl. Being pulled OTK isn’t embarrassing because getting spanked is shameful, but because it’s a vulnerable and exposing position in which I am going to be spanked, like a little girl; a spanking I am not in control of. A spanking that is good for me, and I’ll be reminded of that. Being taken by the ear to the corner, or put in the corner in general, is not embarrassing because I feel self-conscious about being watched, but because it makes me feel like a naughty girl. It makes me feel like I am worthy of being watched, and seen. That makes me blush, because it gets into my head and touches a deep and vulnerable and very real part of me. Someone I have let in there can push on that, or hurt me if they want (and in these cases, I may want them to) and then gather me back together and show me that those vulnerabilities can be touched and everything will be ok. Not being in control of something so simple and that I am usually very in control of on daily basis (my clothing, my body, my time) as an adult, needing it, is a bit embarrassing, but not ever in a bad way.
It can be very profound for me.
For me, this falls firmly into YKINMK (your kink is not my kink) but there’s nothing wrong with it. I think it can generally be difficult to wrap your head around parts of a kink that are common for folks with a specific kink, that don’t work for you (there are a lot of these for spanking but they don’t apply universally). For me, as someone into spanking, one of these things is bratting – as I’ve discussed in great detail. It’s wildly common and almost universally accepted that spanking + bratting are somehow guaranteed to be comorbid but no matter how common, that’s just not true. It doesn’t work for me, I don’t “get” why some people find it necessary/fun/important. Though I actually would argue that I do get and understand it, because I’ve done it, but discovered fairly early on in my own spanko journey that it didn’t work for me. It doesn’t make me feel good, in the end. Embarrassment? That’s a different story. When I am embarrassed during a spanking or about some aspect of a spanking, it’s a sign of deep connection and that is a good thing to access in that head space – at least for me. Plenty of other people don’t want to touch real vulnerability. They want to explore through role-play or more surface level (but no less valid) means. That’s all fine – it may not work for me, and I don’t have to understand it, but our kinks are wide and varied and no one should be shamed for the theirs.
Something that has always been true for me is that I’ve never felt shame for being into spanking. I’ve rarely felt truly embarrassed (once my HS art teacher found a story I’d printed out that fell out of my backpack at her house when I was babysitting – THAT was not so great!). My mom and therapist tried to shame and embarrass me when I was 15, but it didn’t work. Why? I first searched for the word spanking with a primitive internet search function on Ask or Amazon (they were so different back then!) when I was twelve. I’ll let that sink in for a moment. That was 2001. Those were very early days for a web that was widely accessible outside of academia and I had it at my fingertips. Now, I’ve got mixed feelings as an adult about this but one thing I always knew to be true, was that I was not alone and there was nothing wrong with me and that has been an asset to me. I’ve had the chance to love this part of myself. I think having spanking as a part of my life is something truly special and what a lovely way to connect with people. I can’t think of a vanilla equivalent that would serve as a catalyst for this level of vulnerable and deep connection. I love this aspect of who I am. How lucky am I?
-M
It is unusual perhaps, to come to an acceptance of one’s inner self so early in life. Most require far more time. I knew there was something deeply compelling about spanking in kindergarten. Of course, only many, many, many years later did I come to peace with it.
There has always been a strong element within spanking of feeling ‘seen’; hidden no more… and the spanking itself, a form of validation through the connection. The sense of being revealed can elicit feelings of embarrassment, enhancing the emotional energy of such moments. Everyone’s mileage varies, while embarrassment and even a light hint of shame might excite, my hard stop is humiliation in virtually any form… regardless of which side of the lap I am enjoying.
Just found your blog. Will have to start reading it more often!
I also don’t get the embarrassment part. And then I do.
I’m not a hard spanker; I love the play of it and its sensuousness. She likes to be spanked because it turns her on, and me too! And it always leads to something more.
Almost every spanking I have given starts with her standing next to me, about to go otk, and all she is wearing is – her panties. Nude. Buck nekked, except for those.
OTK she goes and as soon as I put my fingers into the waistband of her panties I can feel her tense up, hear her gasp the tiniest bit, but when that gusset clears her fun parts – that’s when hear her, “Ummmmm!” THAT’S the moment of peak embarrassment! I’m guessing it is because she thinks I can see all her “good China” (I can’t, but she thinks I can! Positions other than OTK there may be more to view, but my fav position is still OTK.) When her panties completely clear her tush is the moment she feels vulnerable as well as exposed. (Is it vulnerability or exposure?)
After the spanking, when she is totally nude in front of me – no embarrassment at all! Just all smiles while rubbing her pink cheeks! Go figure!
I don’t know exactly what it is, but something happens at that moment. Every time.
A.J.
Well, like I said – no one *has* to *get* it except for the two people involved. If embarrassment isn’t a factor for a specific person or couple, that’s totally fine – but for those of us for whom it is a part of it, it just is. We can’t control it any more than anything else. For me, especially, like I said – it’s physiologic also. I couldn’t stop myself from blushing if I was paid! And certain topics don’t *always* make me blush – context, tone, etc. all matter, but that they’re there sometimes is important to me. When I am embarrassed and squirmy, I know I am being seen.
The intimate observations in your writing evoke so many resonances… for me, anyway. You share them so beautifully.
And given that everyone’s kinky kindling places are very personal, I love the emphasis on how nobody else has to get it.
A few thoughts and ideas bubbling up right now, but maybe I’ll save them for a new post at some point, having just got back from some wanderings.
I’m glad that what I write resonates with you – that’s my goal! If only one person here reads the thoughts normally left only in my head, and connects with them in some way, it’s worth it to have shared.
I suppose until I read the post that inspired this writing, it didn’t occur to me that it can be quite a difficult concept – that you don’t need to *get* someone else’s kink for it to be just as worthy as your own. I think that ought to be a given.
“I think that ought to be a given ”
Totally.
I do, too.