[I was able to switch out the image of the poem for the text, by using the code editor!]
I titled this “Part 1” because I expect I will write sometime in the future more on the topic of wanting someone to hurt me. In the context of this blog – a spanking fetish, some not-at-all subtle masochism, deep emotional connection – I hope you all can understand the basis for what I mean when someone like me might say to someone else, “I want you to hurt me.” This is a phrase I’ve said very sparingly and to few people, but I meant it each time. The idea of taking what someone wants to give me (within a consensual relationship and negotiated terms) is so unbelievably hot. It gets to the core of wanting to be seen, not in control – specifically giving up control to someone else. It doesn’t exist in conflict with discipline for me – sometimes it can even be part of it. Submitting even when it’s not something I want, but something that is good for me, and being worthy of it, getting to enjoy it, like it, want it – feels like discipline for me.
Anyway, I wrote this and although I am not feeling terribly confident about it or sharing it, I am going to. Someone once told me, “Write as though no one is going to see it, then share it anyway.” because the personal stuff that touches on insecurities is how you connect with people. It’s true, too, and pretty much my driving force with this blog. So I am going to share this weird little poem and maybe someone will get it – maybe not everyone or even most, but someone will, and they’ll understand me.
o0o
it’s not always true,
but sometimes so
that a spanking – the kind that really hurts
will lift a weight,
erase that other pain
the pain that settles into your sense of self
refusing to budge
creating doubt – self and in others
that if your bottom can throb and sting
exist in a state of deep bruise-y ache
it will bring you back to yourself
back to earth, if not on steady ground
ground, none-the-less
when I say to someone who will hear it
i want you to hurt me
that’s what I mean, what I want
I want to take pain given, but not only pain
take the giving and the desire to give
take the being seen and held
and
accept the love in it.
o0o
So there’s a different bit of me, hopefully I don’t delete it in a bout of insecurity.
-M
Well, you know I love how you write.
And this really catches a moment of such power and significance.
I will always remember the moment when I crossed the threshold of Dare I do this to her? to She is begging me to do this to her! It’s a step or spank, if you will, that is somewhat like your first good kiss. You will never, ever forget it or who you shared the moment with either.
For a dominant, play partner, whoever to head those words “I want you to hurt me” is a more powerful, hotter shot of something beyond adrenaline that can be felt. Thank you for baring yourself a little here. I’ve recently done a little more baring of my own soul on my blog. While it is scary, it also garnered me some great support from some new friends.
Thanks for writing this…please, continue.
The beauty and power in that “back to yourself” reset is something sublime…and finding the right one to hear that message in their soul…whew. Thank you so much for sharing!
Very glad t j at I have found your writings again. Thank you.
Pleased you’ve made it here!