The Bratting Thing

It took me a long time to make it through this post, for complicated reasons. One is that I know I am going to piss some people off. That’s ok, but it’s a bit exhausting to do so. The other is that the original format linked to some other blogs and mentioned some interactions with people that I do not currently feel able to freely write about, and frankly, that pisses me off. I am exhausted by not being able to write what I want, how I want to write it, and in a way that is most meaningful to me. So I had to reformat this and I didn’t like that and I was mad about it and thus, it took me months to write. I’m not sure I like the final form now and I may edit it once it’s posted, but here it is.

The topic of bratting in the spanking community is a tale as old as time. For many, it’s impossible to separate the two and for a lot of people, they are ubiquitous. There is no spanking fetish without bratting for those people. There is…a bit of a divide in the spanking community about what constitutes bratting, what constitutes disrespect, and where the lines are or should be drawn. Now, as someone who does not identify as a brat and who generally dislikes bratting, I may not be the most qualified to write this, but alas – I am. The good news is, though, you don’t have to read it! I’m going to talk through bratting, my thoughts, and what differentiates bratting from being disrespectful, in my opinion. You’re likely not going to like everything I have to say here – I’d like to repeat: you do not have to read it.

Although I often want to feel small and little in regards to spanking, I am generally not into age-play the way spankos think of it, and I associate most bratting with age-play, because it strikes me as immature behavior. That’s not to say I think people engaging in it are immature (though some are, to be sure), but I associate it with children and childishness and immaturity because of my own childhood and the negativity I grew up with. Being called a brat was a Bad Thing. Being seen as a brat was something to be avoided. It’s a very loaded word and concept for me and I don’t want it anywhere near my play. So when I see bratting, it’s a sort of instinctive recoil for me. I can see its function in age-play at least, where the role is one of embodying a more childlike part of yourself and occupying that space in a way that feels genuine, but I tend to avoid that since it’s not my kink. Outside of that, I just find it tedious. I want to talk to people, engage in conversation, and clever banter. For me, clever banter has some intellectual aspect to it and a place in the interaction. Bratting isn’t the same and further, is often used in groups for “bus throwing” (tattling or bratting on behalf of someone else as a means to get *them* spanked) and group provocation. This makes me very anxious. I don’t want to have anything to do with a third party being involved in my scene unless previously discussed and negotiated.

As an example of what I consider clever banter: The first time Pat spanked me, he commented that my panties were very full coverage. I’ve never had that aspect of my panties commented on before, to be honest! So we chatted about panty cuts and styles and he said something like, “I guess I’m not so old fashioned” and I retorted with, “No, just old.” Cue flurry of smacks and laughter. I would never be cheeky with someone about their age if they seemed insecure about it, but we’d chatted a bunch by then so I felt comfortable with this. It was part of the conversation and off the cuff. Alternatively, bratting with the same concept might look like walking up to someone they know well, and saying “Wow, you’re so old, huh?” For it to be disrespectful, I’d say they could say the exact same thing to someone they don’t know or different wording for someone they do know, as a put down or utilizing negative stereotypes.

As an aside, I do occasionally brat my husband, because he explicitly enjoys it and having something to “react” to – and that’s how I often see bratting, as provoking a reaction, regardless of context or anything else. So if I want more, for example, and he’s indicating he intended to stop or be done, I might ask “Is it because you’re tired, you know, because you turned 40 recently? I understand.” but that still strikes me as cute and cheeky – many would call it bratting, that’s fine. This works for our specific relationship and it’s contained within it, not something I do randomly publicly. A lot of the disrespectful bratting I see on Fetlife involves cursing at tops – as a group (I have an absolute sailors mouth, so I am not opposed, generally) as well as being aggressive and obnoxious in statements about tops, “Fuck all the tops.”, “We brats do what we want.” “Tops ain’t shit.” etc. This is not bratting to me – I consider this to be flat out disrespectful, annoying, obnoxious, and frankly, inappropriate behavior from adults interacting on a fetish website. It feels meant as shock factor and a very obvious and loud and desperate plea for attention in a way that is completely off-putting. I’ve seen some tops react positively to this and honestly that’s even more baffling for me. I simply cannot wrap my head around the appeal of it.

I think if you know someone well, you will figure out what forms of bratting and/or cheekiness work and feel ok. Another time, I was at a party and a top I know somewhat well and have enjoyed being spanked by, was refilling a water dispenser. I had been waiting and I gently teased him, “surely you can move faster than that” but because we’d never interacted like that before, I immediately apologized, said I was just kidding, and ran off, worrying I’d crossed a line. So I really don’t do this much! It’s not a space I feel comfortable or confident in. Other bratting I have seen that I find disrespectful unless previously agreed upon: putting ice down someone’s shirt, anything physical like poking or hair pulling (or undoing braids, etc), teasing about physical attributes. I am sure there are more. This is a non-exhaustive list, because all people are different. If it would be a rude thing to say to a stranger on the street, chances are it’s a rude thing to say in general and you simply shouldn’t, without explicit negotiation. I consider these loud, obnoxious, public displays on Fetlife to almost be non-consensually involving the public in your attempts to prompt play or reactions from random strangers (or someone specific – but seriously why can’t you just keep it to text?) and it feels so weird to see.

A few months ago (errr a year+ ago…), I wrote an essay for a friend with the prompt: “When it’s acceptable for a good girl to be cheeky, and when it isn’t.” I wrote that a good girl won’t be cheeky for sport or provocation, or manipulation. I wrote that a good girl who starts to feel like she needs to be cheeky to get attention probably needs chastisement or discipline, a reminder that in fact, she doesn’t need to be cheeky to be seen. Most importantly, I wrote that it’s acceptable when it is an honest expression of how she might be feeling in a given moment.

Examples of this? Defiance and impertinence. Refusing to give your wrist to be held during a bedtime spanking. Whining about uncomfortable discipline. When it’s playful and lighthearted as a form of affection, that just might inspire bottom smacking? Always. If you’re being defiant, that’s just as honest a reaction as obedience, so it’s one worth exploring IMO. I have a draft post about defiance but it’ll likely be a few months before I feel comfortable sharing it. I don’t see defiance as inherently disrespectful, but this is an instance where if the honest reaction to a situation (being told to go to the corner for example and whining or refusing or arguing about it) is defiance, then it’s acceptable. To me, defiance is honest and seeking re-assurance or affirmation of who is in control, not an attempt to be in control. It’s a means of saying, “Are you really going to do what you say? Are you going to keep your word?” and ideally, the response is a resounding, yes, however it’s conveyed.

That was quite the side quest from the main bratting topic, but it felt relevant because it speaks to my own headspace around this concept of a behavior that I suspect all falls under a single umbrella and just has a lot of nuance, like most fetish and kink things. How we see these things are heavily informed by our experiences and wants and needs. Socializing is incredibly difficult for me because of my anxiety, so even getting to the point of feeling comfortable enough with someone to banter and tease, takes a lot – it means I often see people bratting acquaintances or strangers and wonder why that is a thing at all. Importantly, I think this is something that falls into not forcing your kink onto others, and by doing it publicly on Fetlife or in other communal online spaces vs in private or in a space dedicated to that kind of behavior, many people find it off-putting and feel involved in a way they don’t want to be.

The shift in the scene in the last ten years or so means that this kind of bratting has improved a ton because there are a lot more conversations about consent and negotiations. Many spankos use bratting itself as a means of negotiation, and I think that gets into a murky area where misunderstandings and miscommunications are likely. Can it be done ethically and in a way that feels good for the people involved? Absolutely! Regardless of whether or not I like it, it’s a perfectly valid expression of, and means of engaging with, one’s fetish. I just happen to see a whole lot of unethical bratting going on and it’s often very loud.

How do you feel about bratting vs disrespect? Did I piss you off? Have I missed something? Tell me what this means and feels like for you, if it’s relevant.

-M